In.sight

It has the world surging at its fingertips,
so lost in the movement,
their gazes stay down,
their lips locked
as the paper flutters by.

With tired eyes,
the small things in life,
become pure bliss.
An exchange takes place through the pigeon hole,
they pass me the black liquid,
enclosed in a neat cardboard cup,
I hold it in my hands, mm.
I love that smell,
the fuel that drives
the machine.

They wave me off
& thank me by name,
a personal touch,
to this anonymous game.

We wear uniforms by day,
that must be ironed out at night,
for if those shirts have any creases,
you would look a disheveled sight!
I quite enjoy this dress up game,
even though we all look exactly the same.
Looking smart has an effect,
it makes you feel together
& grants you respect.
But sometimes I do wonder,
whether these collars are buttoned up
too
tight.
And maybe it's stopping us from being able to breathe alright?

What if one day,
you wake up in the middle of the night,
gasping for air,
looking for the light.
You see your position,
in this repetitive dream
& you no longer wish
to be a part of the machine...

As you sit amongst the breathless,
surging forward yet feeling stuck,
you can feel a storm brewing,
it is beginning in your gut.

Your gaze snaps up to their faces,
they stare down at their screens,
you try to change direction,
shifting away from mainstream.

But now you're moving against the current,
you're blocking the flow,
there's no one to follow...
where would you go?

Outside of the station stands a tall,
oak tree,
still and unmoving,
perfect stability.

They continue walking passed,
picking up the pace,
for there is no time to slow down
in this incessant rat race.
From the weak day
to the weak end
your mind's beginning to falter,
you feel it beginning to bend...

Despite being granted those 2 days of rest,
it is beginning to prove hard to stand the test
of patience,
of submission,
to the daily grind.
You have looked up now,
you have made up your mind.
You desire free movement and change,
creativity begins to unearth the strange.
So you follow that urge,
and slowly beat the surge,
falling out of the main stream,

into open water

It is still and unmoving,
like the old oak tree,
you have reconnected
and found your stability...
The storm has passed,
and now it's time,
to swim.

Cradles and coins

At the moment I'm sitting in front of a lovely 4 month old piece of innocence, who I look after once every few days. It's a nice time to have a breather amidst the running around with silver trays and hot food. Playing peek-a-boo and waving around rattles luckily doesn't require too much exertion. The other day I was lying on the sofa feeding her a bottle - it's funny watching babies when they feed, their eyes roll back slightly as they enter this entranced state of pure ecstasy  interrupt this trance and you're done for. Her eyes slowly started drooping and I was sucked in to her dream-world as we both dozed together on the sofa, to be awoken 20 minutes later by a wriggle/ cue for a nappy change. It was a sweet site while it lasted - I told my dad about this and he raised his eyebrows slightly, concerned at the thought of his 18 year old daughters maternal instincts kicking in already.

Bonding time

One of the reasons I partly love babysitting is the fact that my boss is not a complete power-obsessed asshole.  Both parents are lovely, easy to be around and won't flip their lid if you walk in the door 5 minutes past the hour. This being a 'slight' contrast to the other bosses I seem to have acquired over the months. One, as I've ranted about before is a manic egotistical coke-head that's huungry for power. His demands strike a balance between being pointless and irritating but passively complying to them is the only way to avoid the storm. One waitress, well former waitress, had strong alpha female qualities and wasn't afraid to voice her opinion as and when it was needed - this, to his great frustration was a quality that he believed 'challenged his authority' and for no appropriate reason, her shifts were cut to nothing - so she left. On one hand, she lost a job, but on the other, she's escaping the Friday nights of sprinting around on tip-toes trying to avoid a conflict that would most likely end in streams of tears and low self-esteem. Watching him as he's in his element of rage is scary - his ego inflates to fill every space in the room, and his eyes flicker with enjoyment at having asserted his authority in whatever way possible. One of my colleagues describes it as 'soul-destroying' having someone constantly putting you down, but I've developed the technique of mind over matter. As he's looming over me, red in the face from shouting about how I need to take a tables order faster than they can give it to me (does that make no sense to you too?) my eyes slightly glaze over and I retreat to my thoughts. This causes his rage-o-meter to hit new heights as his desired reaction of trembling in fear isn't created.

That sultry stare

My second boss is only a few years older than me and doesn't have many admirers either. She goes from being a sweet and 'relatable' peer to lacking any charm or personal skills. I stood back from the table I'd just lain  - it had a ridiculous number of different knives, forks, glasses, flowers etc but it made me smile knowing I could put something like that together in 10 minutes and make it look pretty good. Boss woman walks over to the table and wipes away the perfectly lain cutlery infront of the first chair, demonstrating 'what will happen when someone sits down if the knives aren't pushed up half an inch further', pushing people around just.because.she.could. It's funny how status seems to affect the psychi so much. How people think it gives you the one-up and therefore allows you to be disrespectful and rude.
There are so many ways to go about having horrible bosses, you can passively accept the 'abuse' (yes, that may be a slight exaggeration)  or you can stand up for yourself. The thing is, by standing up for yourself you may get your point across, but then what? You get fired and replaced with a snap of fingers and no regrets. As nice as it would be to have violins playing, a box of chocolates and a huge apology - it's just not what happens in the real world and some just have to be put up with. My thoughts are, if it's only a few months - deal with it and make as much cash as possible, shit happens.

Street art in Aldgate East

During my down time I decided at the beginning of this year that it'd be a good time to catch up on all those thought-provoking books, documentaries and series that were always put off for 'free time'. The 'free time' in my head never really ends up happening - there's never a casual day with no to-do list or prior engagement, but somehow I keep thinking a week of having nothing to do will spontaneously present itself. So instead I've been watching bits and reading bobs in instalments  so they happen, but over a stretch. I just achieved the feat of completing a 3 hour inspirational movie 'Zeitgeist 3' - the inconvenient length meant that it took me over 2 weeks to finish it, but it was definitely worth the watch. The movie's basically about the earth's present state in terms of economics and development - and where we're heading if we continue at this pace. It talks about the illuminate - the individuals that own all the banks and major companies hence basically controlling the whole economy/ the population/ us. There's a long section on the monetary system and it's meaningless cycle - we pay into banks that don't really own the money in the first place, this same money is then sold, shared and borrowed - the game eggs on the desire for power and control and all sight of the true welfare of the individuals involved, is lost. This is a brief sentence that sums up a very detailed concept explained in the movie, watch it if you're interested (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex8U_4rJn4s).
Two of the biggest things I extracted from that 3 hours was 1) The idea that a rising GDP is inverse to efficiency -- We're taught that the more money a country can earn, the better lifestyles and standards we as humans can have. However this documentary shows that in order for a product to be successful  it has to have a limited life span for consumers to keep buying it, hence nothing is built or created on the basis of being 100% efficient, because it wouldn't be in the interest of the producer.
Many examples were used to demonstrate the destructive properties of the monetary system, one such was crime rates and violence - and the root cause behind over 90% of this? Inequality between rich and poor, and the need to have money whether it's through drugs, stealing or killing - the vicious cycle and the unhealthy focus being ultimately self-destructive.

The venus project

They lightened the mood slightly after all of these fairly depressing facts and figures came out, by focusing on how we can change our world. They came up with 2) 'The Venus Plan' that's been in development for a long time, it's a circular designed system of living that wouldn't require money at all. The centre of the society would be run by technology that would monitor sustainability and productivity - there would be education systems, natural food supplies, methods of transportation etc. and we as individuals would be able to exchange services and abilities and focus on our more creative sides. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex8U_4rJn4s) Now I don't know if I particularly like the idea of our society being run by technology  but given that humans don't have the objective ability to create anything that truly focuses on the welfare of the collective, maybe it's a good alternative. Changing the system that we live in isn't something that's possible overnight but the awareness being raised on what we're actually taking part in, is important to spread.

Autumn

So aside from trying to keep my brain fairly active, I'm currently planning and booking various flights for my gap year. I've taken part in many persuasive conversations about why I should move away from my comfort zone of Asia and venture into South America instead - and it's funny how fear of the unknown pulls you away from trying new things. But I've finally created a brief brainstorm of what I'm going to do and my mind's at ease.
I'm off to Amsterdam next week, so buckling down at work before I lose the majority of my brain cells on the flat grounds of the Netherlands. The weekends seem to whizz by, but don't they always? Yesterday I utilized the brief spot of Sunday sunshine and went for a stroll in our local park. I walked past the playground and thought about how much it had evolved over the years - The swings I'd been taught to swing on when I was 5, were still there. I could hear my mum and babysitter saying over and over again 'Legs out, lean back. Legs back, lean forward!' - and then after weeks of practise finally accomplishing what seemed like an impossible feat. The long brown slide used to be positioned by the monkey bars, it's now been replaced (due to the number of injuries) by a plastic twirly kid-friendly looking object that claims to be a slide too :s.

As I was walking out of the park the wind was causing little hurricanes of orange leaves along the path and the squirrels were running in and out of them with conkers or peanuts grasped in their little mouths. I walked passed a mother and child and we linked eyes and shared a smile. 5 minutes later I walked passed another woman with a stern, bitter look on her face - hoping to break her shell I smiled at her too, but only managed to get the response of a hard stare and pursed lips - I guess Sunday's don't mean the same to everyone.
The baby just opened her eyes and gurgled - bottle time!


Recipe of the day: Moroccan lamb burgers (Had these at GBK the other day, they're amazeballs.)

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/lamb-recipes/moroccan-style-lamb-burgers

Crazy Camden

Amy at large

So my main income at the moment is trickling in from a little Tapaz bar situated just outside the heart of Camden. Walking up the high street you see an eclectic bunch to say the least, big punk/ goth scene, lots of piercings, knee-high black boots with metal projections scattered all over the place. Piercings everywhere, pink, blue and purple hair - it's like entering an episode of futurama. You also have the rasta's, yellow red and green flags, hats with fake dreads and walk into any shop along the high street to take your pick from a variety of bongs, pipes and other smoking devices (not to mention the potent 'skunk' and hallucinagenic 'legal' mushrooms sold over the counter supposedly imported from Amsterdam, but full of perfectly healthy artificial chemicals instead). There are other looks out here but those two are probably the most eye catching.

Up the high street

The vibrancy in Camden is undeniable, the crib of Whinehouse and countless other carefree souls - I walked through 'Camden Lock' the other day, past all the food: Jamaican, Indian, Chinese and Moroccan stalls (that each had sneaky tasters to munch on along the way). Colourful motorbikes were lined up in rows and had been turned into seats and tables to eat at while gazing over the lazy canal. I stood on the edge of the bridge and leaned over the side for a breather, water always seems to have a calming effect. In yoga the belief is water cleanses your aura - and think about it, it makes sense. A shower first thing wakes you up, jolting your sleep-ridden aura with a flash of hot or cold and before bed, the stress of the day is cleansed aswell. There are specific times that it's believed one should 'bathe', and specific temperatures of water. For example, it's believed to be best to shower as the sun rises, in tune with your natural body cycle as our pineal gland responds to light cues and releases the hormone melatonin that naturally wakes us up and puts us to sleep in conjunction with various other hormones and glands. So a cold shower as the sun rises is most beneficial as it rejuvinates the cells and closes the pores, putting you in 'alert and awake' mode as opposed to starting the day feeling drowsy after a nice hot shower. To be fair, living in a cold country, where getting out of bed isn't the most exciting prospect, cold showers may not be the best idea, sending you into a state of hypothermia especially during the winter months. I've grown up swimming aswell and yes, it may feel the same with every sport, but after a good session in the pool your whole mind and body feels completely purified. It could have something to do with the fact that the colour of water (blue) corresponds with the colour of our third eye chakra located between the eyes that's responsible for your intuition and is the primary focus during meditation. Each chakra corresponds to a different colour, and by wearing/ surrounding yourself with that colour you serve to 'expand' if you will, the powers/ properties that the chakra holds. So a dip in the pool may do more thank you think! A lot of my friends think of 'chakra talk' as airy fairy, but this incredible youtube video called 'spirit science' will explain exactly what I mean in scientific terms, for all you logical left brained folk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLFlJSlD4YM)

Rastafari

But back to Camden:
One of my great girlfriends is in Barcelona at the moment having a crazy time in a crazy youth hostel that never sleeps - and a hot topic of conversation during these summer months, is flings/ romances, just boys in general. I've been given the same piece of advice numerous times on this topic 'go for someone at work', now let's go through the choices that my lovely Tapaz Bar has to offer - A coke head, bitter divorcee's with kids, or pervy Thai chefs. A strange combo or what? Let me fill in the gaps -
My boss is a wide eyed, bald headed, tall, fit and intimidating man who 'used' to have a huge coke addiction. There would literally be white mountains in the downstairs kitchen for a quick sniff 'inbetween-service breaks' resulting in a manic and highly confident restaurant owner. Due to his natural manic and wide eyed nature, none of the customers could tell, but the behind-the-bar gurning (jaw grinding) and the constant eye twitches were noticable enough. In his 40's he's not as 'addicted' per say and brushes it off as a fun few youthful years. But his coked-up nature means no one questions his unfair method of paying our wages (that is dependant on his sporadic mood swings - if he's happy, so are we, if he's not, the pay resembles what you'd find in a hobo's wallet. - but we get something, so we don't complain.) So there's the boss, and as it's a family run business, his nephew (depressed divorcee with 2 kids who lives above the restaurant and will probably still be there in 40 years time), sister (also from a broken family, but the loveliest of them all) and brother in law (one of the many pervy thai chefs) all work alongside him, and hate.his.guts. Literally, the moment he walks out of the room it turns into a full on bitch session with everyone chiming in and saying their part - it's quite entertaining to be honest. The moment he steps back in, it's all halo's and angel wings.

Another big blogger - 'the rock and roll Camden bride'

One of the waiters, who no one particularly warms to, (though I seem to have cracked his bitter shell and seen his soft side which isn't half-bad when he lifts out of his cold-hard comfort zone) has been working at the restaurant for the entire 30 years it's been open. Ironically he went to school with the boss, and was the wealthy kid who grew up in Chelsea, while boss-man grew up in the dodgy side of south London - didn't turn out to foreshadow their future professions. He's divorced from a drug addict who he hates with a passion, has 2 kids and works as a sandwich man, a chauffeur and a waiter all part time, and purely to earn money to survive - with no hint of love or passion for what he does whatsoever only adding to his bitter list of things to complain about (that we get to hear about every day, woop!)
And lastly the chef's, they're lovely really; it may just be my naivity, but they cook me amazing food and teach me Thai so I don't complain. It's when the comments like 'let me take a picture of you' and 'I love you' start rolling in that I become slightly more weary of what I'm getting into. There are 4 of us waitresses, I'm the baby of them all but we all get a long really well and have a laugh about the men we've landed ourselves with. Each of us have a secret admirer, J was chosen by the depressed divorcee/ nephew of the boss - all of us egg him on just for the fun of it. E was chosen by the cleaner from the Congo who's a Jahova's witness and constantly going on about his 'brothers and sisters' from the church and lecturing us on the dangers of alcohol and tobacco. L was chosen by the sweetest Thai chef Max, who doesn't speak a word of english but spends his days smiling away washing dishes and helping us with the laborious task of ice cream scooping. I've landed myself the head chef - quick life summary: Married to a  crazy Thai woman, has 2 kids, very good looking, gave up drinking and smoking but still a huge gambler - and cooks amazing food. If it wasn't for the family situation and the fact that he's 20 years older than me, he'd be up for consideration - but for now, getting great food and the odd compliment doesn't sit too badly - the pervy grins and comments are just something i'll have to deal with.

This is what customers see. Behind the scenes
is a whoole different ball game

Last Friday J and I had a double shift together (13.5 hours of running up and down stairs with plates of food and glasses), the running wasn't so bad, it was more dealing with the bosses constant drone and finicky requests, sharing the pain with someone definitely made it easier - what's nice about working with this bunch is we get offered copious amounts of amazing wine (wine education - what a bonus! Got my cocktail-party talk down), and since I only need half a glass to knock me out, my waitressing experiences have become slightly more exciting, and blurry. Given, I do get slightly clumsier (demonstrated by the various trays of glasses I've managed to drop as a result of tripping over my own feet...), but customers suddenly seem more interesting and the banter picks up. The Asian glow isn't a great look though - so I tend to stick outside in the garden, shaded inconspicuously by the overhanging trees. But anyway, on Friday we were given our usual glasses of wine, and were planning on going out for drinks after work anyway, so it seemed a perfect time for pre's - by the end of the shift I was talking nonsense and spinning around between the tables in circles, J was laughing at me uncontrollably, trying to polish wine glasses, the boss was downstairs in the walk-in, gurning like a machine, as was the bitter waiter S. What made the scene even more bizarre, was the bosses unsuspecting 16 year old nephew who was sitting like a cherub with all of us, cleaning the coffee machine, completely unaware of the intoxicated crowd surrounding him. The rest of the night followed suit and our heads entered into the blurry Friday night buzz of Camden - the morning-after-thumping that only I could hear, was not as pleasant.
I um'd and ah'd about mentioning my crazy workplace to my parents, expecting the defensive response of 'get out of there as soon as possible', but to my surprise, my mum replied with 'my ex-boss was a coke addict too!' And my dad gave me the seemingly obvious advice of 'don't accept any if you're offered, it will change the dynamic completely'. This 'being-treated-like-an-adult' thing is still something I'm getting used to, but the level of respect on the parent-child relationship scale has been bumped up a notch.

Our boss, to a T.

So that's my part-time life at the moment, i've let go of the reigns a little, and take waitressing in my stride instead of thinking of it as a strain just to get through.
My honey-soya chicken is sitting in the oven and the smell has dispersed into every corner of the room, i'm absolutely ravenous and can't wait for dinner. (Little side-note, lack of sleep decreases the amount of Leptin in your body - the hormone responsible for inhibiting your hunger drive - hence no sleep basically leads to uncontrollable munch - an experience I've found myself dealing with a bit too much as of late.) Mm, the timer just buzzed.


Recipe of the day: Baked soya, honey chicken with rice and salad 
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/baked-asian-style-honey-chicken/

Ranting and raving

My stream of conciousness is about to commence, brace yourselves..

London's quirks - a car covered in grass

Slowing down. I've found when you move to different places you tend to absorb your environment.. you adapt if you will. Different people, trends, weather. It kind of brings out different sides of your personality. I've landed myself in one of those weird limbo situations where everyone's either about to go on holiday or working really hard; it's tough to find a balance with that fresh newfound independence. But ayway, I've temporarily developed this really quiet persona - London's quite a loud and full on city it's quite humbling being constantly confronted by such a strong 'individualist' society. We spent years studying this in psychology, and while I was able to reciprocate all the studies etc. on paper, I didn't truly apply my knowledge to my surroundings, until now. Asia's generally labelled a 'collectivist' society, in which the culture is to work for the benefit of your community, while individualists tend to work for the benefit of themselves/ the individual. This rather selfish mindset is so evident now, everyone paces around with their own agenda here, there's not that lacksidazical sense of community that is so inherantley present in every Asian country i've lived in.  It's interesting people watching, just noticing the little things around you - a man sitting in the corner playing a xylaphone, a group of little girls running around while their mums drink coffee.. waitresses, shopkeepers, business men and women. When you stop to see it instead of being constantly distracted by your non-stop thoughts, it changes your perspective on things.

Caterers digging into irresistible chocolate

Catering has opened my eyes a bit more as well, having to endure all the tiny details of setting up a dinner, the angle of the knives, the different wine glasses, the position of the chairs, every detail has been though of before hundreds of guests swoop into the room. When the celebrities are present it's when the dynamics get interesting. The other night there were two big-shot MBA players invited to a dinner that I was catering for at the British Museum; though i had to strain my neck to offer them canopy's, their personalities shone through their celebrity status and we conversed about how their time in London had been. Other guests however did not have such a polite demeanour, though they were without the sticker of fame they still had the sticker of wealth, that had manifested itself into a snobby attitude with no respect for 'those working below them'. Some people brush you aside with no effort to make eye contact, while others merely shake their heads and pout as they turn away from the calorie infested platter of goods. The main point of my rant is just that by observing the behaviour and attitudes of people around you really allows you to check yourself and appreciate the small details that go into customer satisfaction.

Totally unrelated but I love the madness:
Food art - Joli Lapin

In the background Giles Peterson is playing on itunes.. he's a radio presenter interviewing David Roddigan an old time amazing reggae DJ. Discussions on racial repression, the age of reggae, the best and the worst. It feels like such an achievement to enjoy a buzz and feed your brain something at the same time, 'when you choose to take control and not let it control you.' As a friend G.M would say ;) Speaking of substances - I was sitting on the tube today listening to this man standing next to me, attempting to pass on his worldly knowledge onto a seemingly naive ukranian woman. "You know Yoga? Meditation? Incense? Yeah I do it all.. I take Ketamine and just meditate until it wears off, it's really good for you". I couldn't help but smirk at the convincing tone in his voice, and the total lack of awareness in her face. She nodded passively as he continued his rant about how more people should follow in his footsteps otherwise he'll have to 'wind up a few fingers and tell them to fuck off'. Totally dillusional - but then again aren't most people?

Food art - Joli Lapin

I was asked the other day whether I had many fake friends and I replied no. Acquaintances that put on a smiley face and make meaningless small talk whenever they see you, yes, but everyone has that crowd - it's not possible to have a significant depth of friendship with everyone so it's inevitable that with some, the relationship's remain shallow, and that's ok. But then we began listing the qualities that our friends had in common: Green smokers, intelects, partyers, a sense of culture, it goes on - but one thing that I did pick up on was this concept of 'theories'. I have many friends that come up with 'their own' theories and that ties back to this dillusional world that we all live in. I believe theories are like flashes of awareness or realization, about something that was black and white before and have just gained access to the edge of the colour spectrum. It's almost like getting to the next stage in a Maths lesson, when you finally unlock the box of understanding to trigonometric relationships or any of that insignificant info. You feel a sense of achievement at being able to apply your own knowledge to a real situation. When you can figure something out without being told, it's when you rise above that standard conciousness and access human potential that we don't take enough advantage of. I mean think about it - everyone has a human brain, and we've seen countless examples of 'geniouses', creative minds, inventors, artists, writers etc. who've all utilized theirs to discover another piece of the infinity puzzle. If we all tuned into that, we'd have a crazy world full of crazy, subjective and 'dillusional' ideas. The conversations my friends and I engage in always leave me thinking.

Food art - Joli Lapin

But now the day's winding down. I walked for 40 minutes down a busy street today, in my own bubble listening to the rythms of acid jazz. The clouds were all overlapping and forming scale-like shapes, intertwined with the light blue background. My eyes have been drooping since 6pm due to the miniscule amount of sleep we managed to attain last night. Another little 'did you know' fact for the day - once you've lost sleep you can never get it back, whether you sleep all day, if you've lost sleep at night, when you're natural circadian rythm (biological sleep cycle) is programmed to sleep - recovery isn't actually possible. So i'm planning on giving my body a treat and staying in tonight, TV remote, lighter, tea, blanket - sorted.

 Recipe of the day: Sundried tomato, spinach and feta quiche

http://www.food.com/recipe/spinach-tomato-and-feta-quiche-33454

Hurt

They say you live and learn, but what if you're not interested in learning? What if the experience of that learning curve is too painful to conceptualize? I know I tend to rant about society, and the psychology behind big concepts like marriage or money. Concepts that I partly understand, being someone who comes from a broken family, and lives in a world where money is a driving force. But today, is purely a subjective account and questioning of pain in relationships.

If you haven't already guessed, yesterday, I experienced the heartbreak of being 'dumped' ouch that word rings tough. The symptoms include breathlessness, abdominal pain, non-stop waterworks and lack of sensation - everywhere. It's funny how fast it hits you as well, one minute I was having a conversation over skype and the next I was a mess on the floor. (I'll try and leave out the drama). There's a tribe in Papa New Guinea that doesn't have 'depression' as an illness, but instead, diseases with various symptoms in common, one of these including 'heartbreak'. If only the American pharmaceutical company could create a legal pill to heal that.
It's scientifically proven that females have a higher pain threshold than men (an evolutionary reason being to give birth) and this is because we have almost double the pain receptors on our skin. So do we take the blow harder than guys? If pain receptors extend to emotions the answer would be yes. Out of all the categories of 'pain', and while I may be biased at this particular point, I believe heartbreak tops the list. The sense of loss spins your world upside down. It goes from having that one person that means everything, that is such a large percentage of how you spend your time, what you think about, what your future plans are - to suddenly being forced to 'learn from your mistake' and 'move on'. That only happens with time by the way - no matter how much chocolate is eaten, soppy rom-com's are watched, or alcohol is poured into your system, the reality doesn't improve until your new daunting world, becomes normal. 

I think a large part of break-ups have to do with why they happened, whether you're to blame (or the booze). But the concept I'm struggling with, is that my 'ex' (that word stings to type) thrust the 'logical' explanation of why it would be easier to move on from one another now, than have to wait for 4 months of living together, falling completely in love, and experiencing a new side of life, before it all had to be over (universities on opposite sides of the world). Me being the idealist struggled with accepting his ability to make this decision, all I'd been imagining was the fun we'd have, a bitter end is inevitable in a lot of cases. But it's easier to focus on the positive - no one follows the dark spot at the end of the tunnel right? So while the last few weeks have been full of inner-turmoil, not knowing when we'll see each other, getting mentally prepped to make the big move of 'living together' I came to a concious decision 3 days ago, that I'd stop worrying, and enjoy the ride. My dream curdled in a matter of hours and I was left sitting at my laptop in an empty house on the other side of the world from friends and family - single.

I can hear my little cousins words ringing in my ears "you're a single pringle ready to mingle", but I've had months of that - As much as rebounding has it's benefits of losing all inhibitions and physically distracting yourself - let's be honest? Contracting an STD mid-break up doesn't make me want to scream and jump. I think the worst part about everything, is realizing that a relationship rarely involves two people that are on the same wavelength in terms of attachment. You can open yourself up much as possible (no sexual connotations) to someone and create the illusion or belief that they feel the same way, but when you're left in that weak powerless state - 'having the carpet' ripped from under you with no say in the matter, the self-hate kicks in.

It's interesting to see the reactions of friends in situations like this as well - while some throw mean comments and words of hate towards your 'ex', others tell you what your 'true potential' is that you apparently never saw before, and some send you things to read: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup - a step by step list on 'how to get over a break-up' I cringed and sighed when I saw the title, but there are a few nuggets of wisdom that I took away from it, the shining line of the article being a quote by Lucille Ball: "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." So that's my goal! The rest will have to fall into place at some point. Living alone is taking it's toll, and where I'm going to live in the forseeable future is an alarming question mark, now that my fantasy plans have apparently fallen through - The girlfriend's already been replaced by the friend! Regarding room-mates..
An invisible weight is slowly being lowered onto me - my chest is feeling it first. At this point I can see different routes to take - some being less beneficial to my health than others, but I'd love to harness it into something productive. I'm hoping to anything that this new found sense of optimism will kick in so I can start believing in a new fantasy, meanwhile I'm burying myself in work and pretending it's all ok 'service with a smile!' It's comforting to know that so many people can relate to this feeling - and the feeling of it passing - I can't wait for the latter.

Indulge me in choosing the one pie that describes these emotions through its colours and flavours..try and avoid smirking ;)


 Recipe of the day: Heartbreak pie (raspberry and chocolate!)

http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/chocolate-raspberry-pie

Back to life, back to reality

Home.. but not really.
London has always been the place in which our family and friends reside.. our annual pilgrimage back to the familiar... running past the playround that I grew up in made me smile, seeing little ones playing in the spot where 12 years ago I sat, selling my 'sand-cakes' and 'sand-muffins'... anything to do with food basically. A little girl laughed and i looked to the left, another wave of nostalgia as I remember my babysitter and mum teaching me to swing - "Legs out and lean back, now forward and legs back!" ... I used to get so scared when I went too high, thinking the swing would either get caught in the trees or get wrapped around the top pole. Of course that never happened. Swinging that high gave you that rush that kids feed off of. The adrenaline of running through a field of flowers when you're 6 years old, or swinging super high, or jumping off the intensely 'high' house in the sandpit.. It's funny that as you get older you still crave the rush, something that jolts you out of every day reality into something exciting... some go for runs, some have sex, some take drugs ... it develops, not necessarily in a good way but we're always craving the same thing - change and excitement.

Coming back has jolted me back to some sort of reality, a different reality. First it was the cold, actually when we landed it was beautiful sunshine, apparently the first anyone had seen in weeks, the fact that it was out when we landed was a good sign (touch wood). But as the night took over the cold seeped in and the jumpers came out of one of my four suitcases containing 18 years of my life. Then the rain came down and I fully realized we were back in England. The thing is, it's not really rain. It's more grey, miserable drizzle. Like when you're on the loo and still have to pee but not really so you just kind of sit there and wait. That's what the weather in London is like, everyone sitting and waiting for sunshine, but nothing really happens. You do get a few patches mind you - and when those patches of sunshine are out the parks fill with bikini's and trunks, beautiful girls in and boys soaking up as much Vitamin D as they can before the clouds budge in again.

So the cold, the rain, and then the money. Having come straight from Malaysia, and Cambodia - where cheap as chips isn't just a saying, it's a way of life... I am consistently making the habitual mistake of converting everything into various Asian currencies. I'm slowly realizing that to live here, you have to suck it up. Transport for one, yes it's a great public transport system, but no, that does not mean it's cheap. Getting a taxi across KL (from one end of the city to the other) would cost you 6 - 10 pounds MAXIMUM. And that's a lot of money. Here? I went through 10 pounds casually in a day on my oyster card, just getting to and from a job interview via public transport, all of which was in the same area of London. So there's transport, and then there's food that's very expensive but I must say is absolutely delicious. The highlight of my wonder around Portabello Rd. the other day was definitely eating the delicious Moroccan chicken tagine with apricot and cous cous.. It is possible to find cheap food here, but compared to a 20p meal of roti cennai (If you've never had it, you are missing out on a whole side of life.. delicious roti with a thick curry sauce), now the indian takeaway last night cost us about 40 pounds for 4 people. Ok i'll stop bitching about the price of everything and suck it up.

To afford it all i've had to take on a few jobs... some of which i'm still on the fence about - waitressing at a Tapas bar, catering for a great food company, possibly handing out milkshakes and coffee at a cafe, waitressing at a Vietnamese cafe in hamstead and then there's the possibility of being a social carer and 'wiping old people's bottoms' as my father so gracefully described it. After about a week i reckon the storm will calm and a bit of stability will take over (well I hope), but wondering from house to house with bits and bobs falling out everywhere, is a bit of a pain.. but one that i'm trying to accept and embrace.. still.


On the upside, it is lovely to see friends and family, watching kids playing in the park and being able to go on runs without the humidity consuming your ability to move. Fresh lavender growing outside people's houses to pick off and just breathe in as you walk down an empty street, going to sleep without the AC under a big white duvet - and feeling independent again. Yoga every day is bringing slight stability into my life, and I'm attempting to run every morning and trying not to be put off my the cold.. Right now I'm sitting here at 8:00 with the sun still up (yes it's sunny!!) still feeling full after our roast pork and apple lunch, craving a cuddle from a certain someone that feels further away than ever. Lets see how this week treats me :) I think a cuppa tea is in order.

Recipe of the day: Toad in the hole

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/pork-recipes/toad-in-the-hole