They say you live and learn, but what if you're not interested in learning? What if the experience of that learning curve is too painful to conceptualize? I know I tend to rant about society, and the psychology behind big concepts like marriage or money. Concepts that I partly understand, being someone who comes from a broken family, and lives in a world where money is a driving force. But today, is purely a subjective account and questioning of pain in relationships.
If you haven't already guessed, yesterday, I experienced the heartbreak of being 'dumped' ouch that word rings tough. The symptoms include breathlessness, abdominal pain, non-stop waterworks and lack of sensation - everywhere. It's funny how fast it hits you as well, one minute I was having a conversation over skype and the next I was a mess on the floor. (I'll try and leave out the drama). There's a tribe in Papa New Guinea that doesn't have 'depression' as an illness, but instead, diseases with various symptoms in common, one of these including 'heartbreak'. If only the American pharmaceutical company could create a legal pill to heal that.
It's scientifically proven that females have a higher pain threshold than men (an evolutionary reason being to give birth) and this is because we have almost double the pain receptors on our skin. So do we take the blow harder than guys? If pain receptors extend to emotions the answer would be yes. Out of all the categories of 'pain', and while I may be biased at this particular point, I believe heartbreak tops the list. The sense of loss spins your world upside down. It goes from having that one person that means everything, that is such a large percentage of how you spend your time, what you think about, what your future plans are - to suddenly being forced to 'learn from your mistake' and 'move on'. That only happens with time by the way - no matter how much chocolate is eaten, soppy rom-com's are watched, or alcohol is poured into your system, the reality doesn't improve until your new daunting world, becomes normal.
I think a large part of break-ups have to do with why they happened, whether you're to blame (or the booze). But the concept I'm struggling with, is that my 'ex' (that word stings to type) thrust the 'logical' explanation of why it would be easier to move on from one another now, than have to wait for 4 months of living together, falling completely in love, and experiencing a new side of life, before it all had to be over (universities on opposite sides of the world). Me being the idealist struggled with accepting his ability to make this decision, all I'd been imagining was the fun we'd have, a bitter end is inevitable in a lot of cases. But it's easier to focus on the positive - no one follows the dark spot at the end of the tunnel right? So while the last few weeks have been full of inner-turmoil, not knowing when we'll see each other, getting mentally prepped to make the big move of 'living together' I came to a concious decision 3 days ago, that I'd stop worrying, and enjoy the ride. My dream curdled in a matter of hours and I was left sitting at my laptop in an empty house on the other side of the world from friends and family - single.
I can hear my little cousins words ringing in my ears "you're a single pringle ready to mingle", but I've had months of that - As much as rebounding has it's benefits of losing all inhibitions and physically distracting yourself - let's be honest? Contracting an STD mid-break up doesn't make me want to scream and jump. I think the worst part about everything, is realizing that a relationship rarely involves two people that are on the same wavelength in terms of attachment. You can open yourself up much as possible (no sexual connotations) to someone and create the illusion or belief that they feel the same way, but when you're left in that weak powerless state - 'having the carpet' ripped from under you with no say in the matter, the self-hate kicks in.
It's interesting to see the reactions of friends in situations like this as well - while some throw mean comments and words of hate towards your 'ex', others tell you what your 'true potential' is that you apparently never saw before, and some send you things to read: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup - a step by step list on 'how to get over a break-up' I cringed and sighed when I saw the title, but there are a few nuggets of wisdom that I took away from it, the shining line of the article being a quote by Lucille Ball: "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." So that's my goal! The rest will have to fall into place at some point. Living alone is taking it's toll, and where I'm going to live in the forseeable future is an alarming question mark, now that my fantasy plans have apparently fallen through - The girlfriend's already been replaced by the friend! Regarding room-mates..
An invisible weight is slowly being lowered onto me - my chest is feeling it first. At this point I can see different routes to take - some being less beneficial to my health than others, but I'd love to harness it into something productive. I'm hoping to anything that this new found sense of optimism will kick in so I can start believing in a new fantasy, meanwhile I'm burying myself in work and pretending it's all ok 'service with a smile!' It's comforting to know that so many people can relate to this feeling - and the feeling of it passing - I can't wait for the latter.
Indulge me in choosing the one pie that describes these emotions through its colours and flavours..try and avoid smirking ;)
Recipe of the day: Heartbreak pie (raspberry and chocolate!)
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