Phew! I made it onto the plane this time ;). A tumultuous storm is
brewing in my belly as my heart fluctuates between sadness, anxiety and exhaustion;
contradictory emotions to reflect this complicated situation. Oh how many times
this moment has occurred throughout my life.
Having lived an extremely privileged multicultural existence, one
has to develop the ability to adapt quickly to ever-changing environments. It
evokes a sense of what yogi’s would refer to as ‘aparigraha’ or non-attachment, which seems an
impossible task when investing oneself in new situations and making heartfelt
connections inevitably creates attachments. The pangs of letting go, while
‘normal’ are still heart-breaking every time. As I listen to the thoughtful melody of 'Black Sands' (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cTjF2_-bneM), I ask myself if it’s a blessing or a curse to have your loved ones spread out
so far? I prefer to favour the former, although in moments like this my
decision wavers. For the last 6 years of my life I’ve developed a pattern of
ending up in long distance relationships; becoming another ripple in the technological,
new-age wave of cyber love.
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| Brown Hill Creek |
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| J and the family on our Claire Valley wine tour |
In some ways, long distance is a blessing: liberating oneself from
the trap of co-dependency, living separate lives with space to discover who you
both are. Free from the cyclical routine of monotonous nights at home watching episodes
of reality TV shows (although sometimes I crave that)… And then after months of
doing your own thing, the countdown comes to an end and the drum roll sounds.
The time comes to reignite the flame that’s been on hold for months.
The first few days is always the most interesting as you see the
other person more objectively; becoming aware of the small quirks that make up
their character and noticing how so much time apart really does distort ones
memory. The ‘real’ memories soon come flooding back and the comfortable groove
sets in. The joy of sharing easeful banter in the same time zone, allowing ones
actions to sing in the absence of words with a simple touch or gaze. Growing
slightly older each time round and noticing the slight changes in how you
communicate together and develop as people… Soon enough, you merge and a
routine develops together.
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| Our trip to Uluru |
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| Last curry night |
My visit this time was supposed to be brief, but old habits die-hard
and saying goodbye always comes around too fast. So (on top of a few other reasons) we extended my flights aand
then accidentally missed the one I was supposed to get on (eeeeekkk!) but as a
result, we got to enjoy a few more unexpected glorious days together. And then
just as fast as Abbot lost his position, the 5 alarms we’d set (so as not to
miss another flight) were going off all at once and we were saying our last
arbitrary words of goodbye to each other. The penny dropped and landed facedown,
the flipside of long-distance... That familiar heartache began its slow, dull
thud. My hands clenched into fists and my jaw hardened as I swallowed the
uncomfortable lump that was working its way up my throat. The unfairness of the
routine and the pain of letting go again made the walk to the gate a struggle, as
I tried hard to retain my composure and focus on the task of getting on the
plane.
As L. and I were discussing the other day, the cheesy line ‘if you
love someone you should let them go’ actually holds a great deal of truth… To truly love is to release them from your
illusory grasp and allow it to extend beyond the barriers of ownership and
entrapment. In his book ‘The Road Less Travelled’ psychoanalyst M Scott Peck
describes love as ‘the nurturing of another’s spiritual growth’; growth
requires one to pass through various stages of suffering to release ones old
self – a beautifully tragic process to experience with another. But as a good
friend of mine says: ‘always count your blessings’, as the bumpy ride never
ends... Aha, turbulence just got real and the seatbelt sign is on. My clinical
aeroplane meal has formed a hard, congealed layer in front of me :s and I have
just about enough time to fit in a soppy rom-com before I arrive home to
Malaysia for some family time. Goodbye to one love(s) and hello to another;
gawd almighty, I’m gonna have to top that all off with a taste of cheese ;) :(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l51UfkpamiY)
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