Beneath the veil

My fantasy fades
As the stories flow
From the innocent
lips of the wounded.

To normalize a horror story
that repeats itself,
some call it the news
but for so many refugees
it is just their reality.

A buddhist would say
without suffering,
we would not be this way -
human that is.

But many do not have to wear
the scars of their suffering
on their cheeks,
or bodies.
A wire lashing
or knife attack.

When the pregnant child
with a toddler by her side,
stared at me through hardened eyes
and told me a tale
of the traumatised;
A father who raped her
A husband who fled
A mother who shunned her
And left her for dead.

Listening to the wounds
of the stateless
first brought tears to my eyes
But it has since become,
normalized.

Light workers
in a dark room
in a dark world
like the monsoon
that ruthlessly falls
on bare trees

Such is nature,
such is life
and Ignorance is bliss.
But when the veil lifts
the light either blinds
or you pull down the blinds
or wear tinted lenses
to protect your eyes
from the fateful moment
that you realize,
the screen before
through which you saw
was made of real.lies.

Perspective shifted,
veil lifted.

Christmas strikes again

Banter on the flight to Lanka,
before the hysterics started...

The ‘Air Asia’ logo looks back at me as we sit waiting for the plane to refuel so that we can jet off to sweet home Sri Lanka, via Male the capital of the Maldives. It’s Boxing Day and no one’s really ‘with it’ just yet. I stumbled in with J at 4am, giving us approximately 3 hours before the shrill piece of cake compared to the UK. Opening your eyes from under a heavy 50tog duvet, the ringing of that annoying alarm you’ve been conditioned to associate with wake-mode and just… darkness. It has to be done fast, like ripping of a plaster, you know the hairs are going to be pulled out regardless, why make the process slower than it needs to be? The alarm rang and it was time to up and go/ moan and deliriously pack my bag that was brimming over with piles of crumpled up clothes – organised mess I like to call it, something a fair few students/ teenagers seem to understand. I wiped the sleepy dust out of my eyes, dad had already given us the wake up call but I knew my alarm would give me another 15 minutes. I could never really understand the concept of being able to ‘chill out’ when you know you only have a few minutes left… I get that bodily sensation of every cell pumping itself up until I can’t take it anymore and my legs swing themselves around until I’m standing vertical on the floor, having transitioned away from peaceful slumber and a comfy bed. Waking up in Asia is a

A lovely catch up at KLCC with H and K <3

A and I <3

I arrived in Malaysia to the warmth and sunshine just over a week ago, how time flies eh? – If I got a pound for every time I said that I’d be a rich girl. Despite the short time, I feel like I’ve covered most bases. Getting back into the humid rush of the tropics, emotions running rampant and jet lag greeting you in waves. Seeing family and being the ‘child’ again after having had complete independence – not having to do all your washing up or share cupboards or fridge space, having your clothes washed for free and family dinners! Clicking with old friends after years of no contact and feeling like you’ve all just returned from a very dense spring break. How do you catch someone up on what’s been happening for the last 2 years of your life? Is it the bad times that stand out, the magical moments, the spiritual awakenings or just the present state of being? I like asking people how they are at the time because that’s all that really matters, of course the experiences and the stories are what got us to this point, but we all have so many and why waste energy dwelling in the past, when it’s the moment you have together that makes another story for the next person. Walking through pavilion with red eyes at midnight, indulging in rich, creamy ice cream, lunch with H & K - 2 old friends from The Overseas School of Colombo/ Sri Lanka who I share a 3 – year catch up with whenever we’re in the same place, shisha time, pool sesh’s, delicious meals out, beer towers, swims, yoga, presents, Malaysian grass and booze.

Christmas morning came around and we cuddled up in dad’s bed to open our stockings, which were hilarious. You know your brother’s reached puberty when he starts pulling out face wash, deo and blemish sticks. I on the other hand got chocolates, lingerie and… a grinder? Love you Santa.

KL crew's first night out :)

The first night I was back I saw J again, after 6 months of long distance, having been through the hardships of longing and lusting we finally got to experience the initial moment of locking eyes, without having to be on Skype. Feeling that familiar, overwhelmed, ecstatic and confused sensation all in one go, do you kiss or hug or talk?! My eyes streamed and heart pounded as we embraced for the first time in too long and just held on as tight as possible for a while, wondering whether it was real or not. The last time we’d seen each other was 6 months ago in that very spot. It felt like the time that had lapsed had been a different slice of life– I’d lived mine in Bristol and he’d lived his in Aus, different people, different experiences and yet here we both were, back at square one, something we understood together again. Do you know the theory that we exist in multiple universes simultaneously as the same person, but in infinite possible situations. Like the butterfly effect, when one tiny thing changes, the rest of the story does too – if every single possibility was to happen at once, our reality now/ perception of what we see is one of those possibilities because of the way the human mind has learned to conceptualise time and space. We think of time as linear and progressive, when in actuality it’s one point in space and that point symbolizes everything that’s happening at once, hence the importance of ‘presence’. We spend so much time planning our future or worrying about our past, but if we died in 2 minutes, none of those thoughts would be significant if we hadn’t taken the time to live those 120 seconds to their fullest – YOLO I believe is the expression? Haha, sorry…

Before I boarded the plane in London, I wondered whether I’d run into anyone. It’s quite cool that as International kids we could be in any airport anywhere in the world and still see someone we recognize or know, standing right next to us. M from Alice Smith was on my flight so we chatted and caught up, the general theme being that going home was something everyone was craving. It’s interesting seeing how everyone’s taking Uni, A lot of people seem to take a while to find their feet, including me. You’re thrust out of this spoon fed, easy going bubble of fun, expat living, cheap food, taxis, free drinks, great clubs, shitty music… to independence, bills, cold weather, reality. Of course that’s slightly cynical and there’s a lot more to it than that, a lot that’s beautiful and life changing and fun. But for the sake of argument, it’s a big shift that involves big emotional turnovers leading to this suffering in the form of disorders, drugs or disease. My heart goes out to all those having a hard time <3

On the other (slightly less depressing) hand, it’s great hearing stories from those that are loving life. R’s living it up in Sweden surrounded by beautiful, blue eyed blondes, C ‘s experiencing her love for Bushduf’s in Aus and H has her head firmly on her shoulders with a great group of friends in Holland. It’s also great being able to give that experience to each other – a drunken night out on Changkat full of laughs and dancing, being 19 and walking into our old hang out spots while you feel the evil eyes of 14 year olds wondering who you are and what you’re doing in their space… as you look back wondering how old they are and remembering the days when we were them. A meal at 3am at Nasi Kandar where the common favorite is roti Cannai and Milo ice, £2 for something that takes 5 minutes top to inhale.

Family at christmas

Last night after a huge Christmas dinner of turkey, duck, roast potatoes & all the trimmings, a stodgy Christmas pudding, apple crumble, minced pies and large glasses of baileys, R and I were planning on finding someone to rub our tummy’s for a bit before we became mobile enough to walk/ go out. We held our food babies and reveled in the satiation of stuffed-ness. You know food comas are a real thing right? As you’re eating your body releases dopamine, a hormone responsible for states of excitement, ecstasy, happiness, that’s followed by the slow release of serotonin and melatonin – the hormones released when one goes to sleep hence why you feel sleepy after a meal. The Spanish have it right with siestas – when I bought that up over summer my cousin suggested that that’s the reason things don’t get done fast enough there contributing to why they’re in such a bad way, economically. I can’t imagine London chilling out enough to stop everything and sleep for a few hours after lunch; you can’t even walk slowly in London without feeling out of place. A nap?! Pshh. If only.

Jack and Jill :)

So with our full bellies, my red drunken face and a Christmas spirit, we took the bus to KLCC and walked over to Changkat to have a couple of happy hour drinks with the upbeat Aussies J and J. Joined later by other friends we moved from one bar to the next, from Sambuca to long islands to beer to cider. We sat in ‘fish n chips’ a bar down the road, with the first man sitting down ironically chowing down a plate of fish and chips – good advertising. J got up to break the seal and came back chucking a live lobster on the table that crawled around frantically as we all stared in amazement at what had just interrupted our conversation. ‘Cannot lah! Cannot!’ the waitress squealed as she looked over our shoulders at the live sea creature, pulling The chef out of the kitchen after a few minutes, to put the little guy back in his tank. Causing more trouble J and J disappeared for a bit to say hi to a few other friends at another nearby bar, Healy Macs. We soon ran into them, ripped Calvin Klein shirt, hyper demeanor and wide eyes at having sprinted away from a bouncer that had obviously woken up on the wrong side of the bed and hurled a few punches before realizing he wasn’t going to get them. We thought we’d get out pronto so off to J’s hotel we drove, clambering up to the rooftop to spin around in awe at the panorama of KL on Christmas night. The orangey glow of city lights added warmth to the scattered skyscrapers. We lit up and exhaled, talk going from small to medium to deep deep down into the depths of the ocean. Enigma codes, fractals, human perception, the creation of math, 3D printers AH brain-ache. I sat hours later on the same side of the table as R facing the fluorescent, empty hallway of lights and sipping on a Milo panas (hot chocolate) just absorbing our flow.

Bright and early on xmas morning

Christmas night <3

Time was ticking, 8 days had already gone by, I still hadn’t packed, showered, been home or hydrated
after our night of drinking, I could almost hear my alarm going off already, ugh get us home! We all hugged tight and said our indefinite goodbyes to each other, getting into a RM10 taxi for my last ride home in however long it would be. It’s a scary thought not knowing what the future holds isn’t it? But at the same time, like the ‘simultaneously infinite existences’ that I mentioned earlier, there are also infinite possibilities of what might happen in our future so we can only really flow with it and see where it takes us. Right now I’m being taken back home to the country I lived in for the longest, to stay in our friends fairytale wooden/ glass house in the rubber plantations, a hippy eco-village for New Year, a dive and surf in backpacker central/ Hikkaduwa and some family/ friend time at good old Galle fort. How I miss it so. Merry Christmas everyone, live up the last few weeks of 2013 before the post-crimbo diets begin ;)

Recipe of the day: Christmas Pud
http://www.deliaonline.com/recipes/cuisine/european/english/traditional-christmas-pudding.html

Glide with me

Christmas trees <3

Looking outside the window I get shivers and tingles all over. A mini mandy rush as the pale sunlight reflects off the thin layer of frost that's blanketing the ground - the foundation of winter. We're at the beginning, the progression is taking place as we all wait in anticipation for the white snowflakes to make their presence known, before the bitterness sets in and the everyone's hardiness is put to the test. My level of respect for people living in ridiculous climate conditions like Greenland, Sweden or Canada - where there are literally months of darkness, has grown considerably. And this is the beginning? My friend came back from Sweden telling me about the funny light contraptions people wear on their heads. It's basically to give them the 'sunlight' and vitamin D that they can't naturally get from the sun, as well as preventing SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) etc.. The thought of resorting to artificial sunlight triggers so many alarm bells in my head, I wouldn't be able to cope with that but kudos to those who do!

The boys

Ice sofas

That's one thing I feel I've taken for granted -- sunlight. The grass is always greener on the other side though right? As Ginger tells us.. ;) -- Living in the heat involved wearing the thinnest clothes possible and no make-up (in fear of it melting off your face) with a the odd hoodie under your arm for those freezing cold, 16°C classrooms that we'd spend half our day sitting in. Warmer weather does drain more of your energy, your body relaxes into a sleep-wake state and your mind drifts as the waves of heat take their toll. My godfather here refuses to turn the heating on in his house to keep everyone 'alert' and stop it turning into a huge, warm, lazy sofa come January. I'd much prefer a the latter but hey, I'm not paying their electricity bills so I don't really have a say. Despite the docile attitude the heat can create, it is a lot easier to deal with. You don't have to worry about forgetting your 50 layers of clothing as you run out the door in shorts and a hoodie - mislead by the deceiving blue sunny sky (yes, this has happened to me on more than one occasion). I suppose it depends on the person and their preferences but I'm definitely more of a warm weather kinda gal - the tropics is a 17 day reach away and the hourglass is sifting that sand faster than I'd like so I shouldn't really spend it complaining about the cold.

My girl

I had a bit of a magical moment the other day. Gliding across the ice with 'santa clause is coming to town' being strummed and sang in a jazzy melody from the bandstand in the centre of the ice rink. I was feeling wintry in my (*faux) fur waistcoat, woolly hat and gloves. The first 10 minutes were terrifying - that unnatural feeling of being out of control as you try and gain your balance while trying to maintain a level of composure and not look like a complete numpty falling on their ass for the 10th time. I let down my guard and held onto the railings with the only other people on the rink that were in my boat, most of them being 10 - 12 year olds.. My mates went zooming off as soon as their skates touched the ice, letting go of any kind of fear and joining the mass surge of ice skaters as they rotated clockwise. Slowly, slowly I picked up the rhythm and was off with them - breathing in the cold night air and watching the millions of little Christmas lights blend into one as we got faster and faster. The bell tolled too soon and it was the end of our turn, we stumbled onto flat, dry ground, feeling funny as the sensation of walking slowly became normal again. The rest of winter wonderland awaited us with open arms. Wooden cabins serving mulled wine and warm cider, hot chocolate, hog roasts, churros, crepes, mountains of macaroons - the options were endless and all so appealing. It reminded me of the party I went to a few weeks ago, 'Regression Sessions'. It was themed around 'childhood', a time to regress - there were various rooms with games, ball pits, bouncy castles and lots of different DJ's. Children's nursery rhymes infused with techno beats echoed through the halls as crowds of drugged up teens swayed through the doors. A little ironic, and a tad corrupt - but lots of fun nevertheless. Winter wonderland was like a childhood fantasy come to life. I walked over to one of the games and bought 7 hoops for 3 pounds. The only aim was to loop a ring around one of the 20 prizes in the centre, I laughed when I saw how easy it looked. But the phrase 'looks can be decieving' rang through my ears as my hoops disappeared to nothing with no prize to claim. That was the only 3 pounds I spent on games that evening.

Mountains of macaroons.

I left Hyde Park with a fun and festive feeling. Reminiscing on how it felt to be 6 years old, waking up on Christmas morning and jumping into your parents bed with a stocking filled with pressies. I'd always pick up my stocking extra carefully, imagining that only hours ago, father Christmas had held it in his hands and filled it up specially (no sexual implications here, I promise). The carrots that we'd left out for the reindeer would be gone, and the glass of brandy for santa would be empty. I was afraid that that feeling of excitement and anticipation was gone, and the only feeling I'd wake up with on Christmas morning was a heavy head - but I've just learnt that it can come back - the beauty of the impermanent nature of feelings.
 I was walking to the station yesterday, passed Sainsburys, the off license, my old school and the post office, when I came to the pub right by the zebra crossing. It was 5pm and the skies light was dimmed - on the wooden table outside the pub was a little boy, about 4 years old. He was lying on the top of a table looking up at the dangling lights above him and just smiling. His eyes glittered and happiness radiated from his beaming face. His nanny was a few metres away shouting at him to get off the table because they needed to leave. We made eye contact and shared a cheeky smile, before he turned back to the lights and resumed his imaginary fantasy.

Just before the bell

When you observe kids and the interaction adults have with them, or even us - It's funny that our automatic response a lot of the time is to tell them off for doing something wrong, this engrained need to control them by assuming the worst. A little boy was running his toy car across a newspaper on the tube yesterday, and got told off for disturbing the man next to him - the man was smiling softly with no hint of blame - it's so unnecessary  I find myself doing that with my brother as well so I understand - I think it comes down to just loosening up and seeing things for what they are, like I mentioned in 'The monster in the closet', it shouldn't take something that does matter for us to realize what really doesn't.

Bathroom jams

Something else I respect about children is their ability to entertain - as adults we have our various methods to reach our ecstatic and whimsical fantasy worlds, but kids do it all the time, naturally. Yes, they don't have the same kind of responsibilities weighing on their shoulders and their heads aren't full of baggage - but if they can enter a state of bliss by merely looking up at Christmas lights, who's to say we can't do the same?
I'm trying to soak in as much of the Christmassy London vibe as I can before I go back to the tropics. I feel a sadness knowing I have to leave behind this home that I'm finally used to.  It's always felt impermanent knowing that there was a timeline to it all - but it's comforting knowing it's still going to lie here unchanged, with all it's bells and whistles when I come back next summer. There's still so much to be discovered in London - I've tasted the cherry that sits on a mountain of cake; so the sadness is impermanent too, like the sand that's making it's way through the hourglass.

Recipe of the day: Churros

http://allrecipes.com/recipe/churros/

Cradles and coins

At the moment I'm sitting in front of a lovely 4 month old piece of innocence, who I look after once every few days. It's a nice time to have a breather amidst the running around with silver trays and hot food. Playing peek-a-boo and waving around rattles luckily doesn't require too much exertion. The other day I was lying on the sofa feeding her a bottle - it's funny watching babies when they feed, their eyes roll back slightly as they enter this entranced state of pure ecstasy  interrupt this trance and you're done for. Her eyes slowly started drooping and I was sucked in to her dream-world as we both dozed together on the sofa, to be awoken 20 minutes later by a wriggle/ cue for a nappy change. It was a sweet site while it lasted - I told my dad about this and he raised his eyebrows slightly, concerned at the thought of his 18 year old daughters maternal instincts kicking in already.

Bonding time

One of the reasons I partly love babysitting is the fact that my boss is not a complete power-obsessed asshole.  Both parents are lovely, easy to be around and won't flip their lid if you walk in the door 5 minutes past the hour. This being a 'slight' contrast to the other bosses I seem to have acquired over the months. One, as I've ranted about before is a manic egotistical coke-head that's huungry for power. His demands strike a balance between being pointless and irritating but passively complying to them is the only way to avoid the storm. One waitress, well former waitress, had strong alpha female qualities and wasn't afraid to voice her opinion as and when it was needed - this, to his great frustration was a quality that he believed 'challenged his authority' and for no appropriate reason, her shifts were cut to nothing - so she left. On one hand, she lost a job, but on the other, she's escaping the Friday nights of sprinting around on tip-toes trying to avoid a conflict that would most likely end in streams of tears and low self-esteem. Watching him as he's in his element of rage is scary - his ego inflates to fill every space in the room, and his eyes flicker with enjoyment at having asserted his authority in whatever way possible. One of my colleagues describes it as 'soul-destroying' having someone constantly putting you down, but I've developed the technique of mind over matter. As he's looming over me, red in the face from shouting about how I need to take a tables order faster than they can give it to me (does that make no sense to you too?) my eyes slightly glaze over and I retreat to my thoughts. This causes his rage-o-meter to hit new heights as his desired reaction of trembling in fear isn't created.

That sultry stare

My second boss is only a few years older than me and doesn't have many admirers either. She goes from being a sweet and 'relatable' peer to lacking any charm or personal skills. I stood back from the table I'd just lain  - it had a ridiculous number of different knives, forks, glasses, flowers etc but it made me smile knowing I could put something like that together in 10 minutes and make it look pretty good. Boss woman walks over to the table and wipes away the perfectly lain cutlery infront of the first chair, demonstrating 'what will happen when someone sits down if the knives aren't pushed up half an inch further', pushing people around just.because.she.could. It's funny how status seems to affect the psychi so much. How people think it gives you the one-up and therefore allows you to be disrespectful and rude.
There are so many ways to go about having horrible bosses, you can passively accept the 'abuse' (yes, that may be a slight exaggeration)  or you can stand up for yourself. The thing is, by standing up for yourself you may get your point across, but then what? You get fired and replaced with a snap of fingers and no regrets. As nice as it would be to have violins playing, a box of chocolates and a huge apology - it's just not what happens in the real world and some just have to be put up with. My thoughts are, if it's only a few months - deal with it and make as much cash as possible, shit happens.

Street art in Aldgate East

During my down time I decided at the beginning of this year that it'd be a good time to catch up on all those thought-provoking books, documentaries and series that were always put off for 'free time'. The 'free time' in my head never really ends up happening - there's never a casual day with no to-do list or prior engagement, but somehow I keep thinking a week of having nothing to do will spontaneously present itself. So instead I've been watching bits and reading bobs in instalments  so they happen, but over a stretch. I just achieved the feat of completing a 3 hour inspirational movie 'Zeitgeist 3' - the inconvenient length meant that it took me over 2 weeks to finish it, but it was definitely worth the watch. The movie's basically about the earth's present state in terms of economics and development - and where we're heading if we continue at this pace. It talks about the illuminate - the individuals that own all the banks and major companies hence basically controlling the whole economy/ the population/ us. There's a long section on the monetary system and it's meaningless cycle - we pay into banks that don't really own the money in the first place, this same money is then sold, shared and borrowed - the game eggs on the desire for power and control and all sight of the true welfare of the individuals involved, is lost. This is a brief sentence that sums up a very detailed concept explained in the movie, watch it if you're interested (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex8U_4rJn4s).
Two of the biggest things I extracted from that 3 hours was 1) The idea that a rising GDP is inverse to efficiency -- We're taught that the more money a country can earn, the better lifestyles and standards we as humans can have. However this documentary shows that in order for a product to be successful  it has to have a limited life span for consumers to keep buying it, hence nothing is built or created on the basis of being 100% efficient, because it wouldn't be in the interest of the producer.
Many examples were used to demonstrate the destructive properties of the monetary system, one such was crime rates and violence - and the root cause behind over 90% of this? Inequality between rich and poor, and the need to have money whether it's through drugs, stealing or killing - the vicious cycle and the unhealthy focus being ultimately self-destructive.

The venus project

They lightened the mood slightly after all of these fairly depressing facts and figures came out, by focusing on how we can change our world. They came up with 2) 'The Venus Plan' that's been in development for a long time, it's a circular designed system of living that wouldn't require money at all. The centre of the society would be run by technology that would monitor sustainability and productivity - there would be education systems, natural food supplies, methods of transportation etc. and we as individuals would be able to exchange services and abilities and focus on our more creative sides. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex8U_4rJn4s) Now I don't know if I particularly like the idea of our society being run by technology  but given that humans don't have the objective ability to create anything that truly focuses on the welfare of the collective, maybe it's a good alternative. Changing the system that we live in isn't something that's possible overnight but the awareness being raised on what we're actually taking part in, is important to spread.

Autumn

So aside from trying to keep my brain fairly active, I'm currently planning and booking various flights for my gap year. I've taken part in many persuasive conversations about why I should move away from my comfort zone of Asia and venture into South America instead - and it's funny how fear of the unknown pulls you away from trying new things. But I've finally created a brief brainstorm of what I'm going to do and my mind's at ease.
I'm off to Amsterdam next week, so buckling down at work before I lose the majority of my brain cells on the flat grounds of the Netherlands. The weekends seem to whizz by, but don't they always? Yesterday I utilized the brief spot of Sunday sunshine and went for a stroll in our local park. I walked past the playground and thought about how much it had evolved over the years - The swings I'd been taught to swing on when I was 5, were still there. I could hear my mum and babysitter saying over and over again 'Legs out, lean back. Legs back, lean forward!' - and then after weeks of practise finally accomplishing what seemed like an impossible feat. The long brown slide used to be positioned by the monkey bars, it's now been replaced (due to the number of injuries) by a plastic twirly kid-friendly looking object that claims to be a slide too :s.

As I was walking out of the park the wind was causing little hurricanes of orange leaves along the path and the squirrels were running in and out of them with conkers or peanuts grasped in their little mouths. I walked passed a mother and child and we linked eyes and shared a smile. 5 minutes later I walked passed another woman with a stern, bitter look on her face - hoping to break her shell I smiled at her too, but only managed to get the response of a hard stare and pursed lips - I guess Sunday's don't mean the same to everyone.
The baby just opened her eyes and gurgled - bottle time!


Recipe of the day: Moroccan lamb burgers (Had these at GBK the other day, they're amazeballs.)

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/lamb-recipes/moroccan-style-lamb-burgers

The smoke that blushed

Street art I found in East London

Yesterday i was walking through Camden and infront of me a bellow of blue and pink smoke was coming out of a huge industrial dark chimney. It was one of those tiny details amidst a normal routine that puts a smile on your face, I was just waiting for a suitable accompaniment of rainbows, fairies and candy canes to shower down upon the unsuspecting landscape. Below the dreamlike smoke were swarms of preoccupied individuals going about their daily lives with their heads down looking at their phones or buzzing in their own thought bubbles. 

Even though we all share the same environment, we are such seperate entities and our society only emphasizes the fact. We have our own entertainment to start, ipods, phones, books, newspapers. We're tuned into our own thoughts and feelings, and we rarely attempt to merge into the more communal world and really interact with/ feel what's going on around us. We have conversations and link in to one or two other people's fields of existence but we are primarily individuals. Yet what strikes me as odd, is in psychology, one of the sociocultural principles is 'humans feel a need to belong'; within this principle lies the idea that we rely on each other to survive, our whole community and society is built up of various blocks, from farmers to shopkeepers to businessmen, if one stage didn't exist, the rest of our pyramid would fall apart. It's so hard to switch everything off when sometimes it's just a force of habit, and it almost instills fear when you think of the idea of not being able to communicate with everyone in your life for one moment. It scares me when I start to panic after only a day of not checking my emails - but at the same time, in feeling 'connected' to everyone, it creates such a huge disconnect with your physical reality causing a whole percentage of our awareness, and sense of presence to fly out the window. 

East London again

It's funny, when we were younger in 'world studies' we went over the theory's that two great philosophers had about the true characteristics of human beings. Aristotle and Plato I think it was, were more positive about us, they truly believed humans were able to act for the benefit of others and not for self-gain. Whilst Hobbes on the other hand believed humans were completely selfish and every act was for self-gain even if it wasn't conciously done for that purpose. Lets look at a few examples: In helping someone carry their bags up the stairs, you gain satisfaction and content. In having a child, you set yourself up with what will become a physical, emotional and financial support system (that especially benefits you in your older years), in opening yourself up in a relationship 'for' the other person, you gain love, support and all that jazz. Hobbes commonly used the example of letting individuals loose in a sweet shop, or a bank, and taking away rules - what happens? We'd go crazy and grab everything we could, not stand around holding hands. A more recent and solid example is last year when the raids took place in London and the more primal side of the community was revealed, looting shops, stealing whatever there was to steal, getting violent, using weapons etc.

.. And again

When I first learnt about these philosophies, we were asked to give our opinion on whom we agreed with, I chose the more optimistic view. Thinking of humans as purely selfish and evil just didn't float my boat. But as I've grown up and my eyes have widened to the reality of the world, I do believe Hobbes was right, as pessimistic as the idea may be. Our main goal as mammals is to survive - but to do this it does involve helping, supporting and interacting with others, so though at its core our nature may not be full of rainbows and fairies, it does manifest positive outcomes.. but back to where I started.

Street art in Neasden

As I was watching the smoke drift over the conker trees, grey buildings, and billboards advertising the latest and most lustrous hair shampoo! I thought of a poem that made me smile, it was written by a great friend that sadly passed away last year - but her gift of writing should always be appreciated:

People don’t look up. 
They spend their lives absorbed in their feet,
in the pavements,
in the leaves and dirt,
in the rubbish discarded on the streets. 
This is what we seem to be fascinated by, 
only daring to lift our heads when someone points out how beautiful the sunset is, 
or a bird, or rarely, 
occasionally, 
something above their normal eyeline.
There could be entire goddamn cities on rooftops and no-one would notice. 

- Cameron Krokatsis 

I remember this poem when I lean over my windowsill and watch passers by. It reminds me to look up once in a while when I'm strolling through an empty street. The other day a little girl in a blue school uniform with dark red hair, was sitting by the window gazing out at the empty street with a melancholy stare. What was going on in her mind was a mystery to me but the image the mystery created was beautiful. 

Time to get out of my head and check what's next on my to-do-list, deep breath!


 Recipe of the day: Fairy Cakes

http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/fairycakes_93711

Appreciation

South bank funfair

You know those days where time just flies by and you don't really feel like you've accomplished anything? You go from lying in bed, to having breakfast to dawdling around the kitchen or the sitting room. Nothing really gets done and before you know it it's 6pm and the light's dimming. Yesterday was one of those days. But to be fair, we did enjoy it happily blazed sitting in deck chairs under a tree on the patio. A few days earlier I was browsing the web and a pop-up for 'Carnaval del Pueblo' popped up on my screen, a huge latin carnival with authentic musicians, salsa dancing and latino's galore in a big 3 story theatre in Elephant and Castle. We woke up out of our daze, I slapped on a bit of colour and we caught the tube to the carnival. We sat there as the heat swelled in a blur, people were all having conversations around me and I'd catch snippets of each one but not really focus in on anything inparticular. The half an hour rushed by in suit with how time had been running up until that point.

I spot an eye

Elephant and Castle is south london, as we walked up to the theatre I really got a taste of what it entailed - hoods up, bling out, street. It was so raw to be out of the scene of buzzing central london surrounded by non-stop consumerists with, money. We walked into the club, a grimy energy running through us as we spotted the metal detectors preventing any weaponry going down inside. There were about 100 replica's of the hulk storming around with a serious look on their face. 

Projections at the tate

Walking into the club all you could see were hips. Amazing latina dancers on and off stage - the heat hit us in a literal wave and we merged into the energy. Coming up to latin instrumentals and stunning dancers made the tingles spread. When that moment of not caring who's around you or what you're doing and surrendering to the music just makes the most sense? 

Culture shock hit me again when I realized smoking inside wasn't allowed - it was such a change seeing smoke in the room because of the condensation and not because of the countless cigarettes in the room - that's all I've really been used to having grown up clubbing in Asia. Going outside was relieving though, a pause from the movement and a calm-down period without needing to talk or socialize it was literally a breath of fresh air.

Camden town

Camden town

The carnival finished early, giving us the rest of a long Saturday night in London to look forward to. We sped through southbank, stopping for chats along the Thames and lying on multi-coloured beds under huge pop-up projecters showing the classics. We were led to Trafalgar sqaure, and mid-conversation leaning against one of the giant lions, we were approached by a 'rude-boy'. Everyone's talk turned to hushed tones and he asked me for a lighter. Everyone's eyes reflected their state, wide, red, small, normal. He sparked the ight and the conversation burst into flame - 5 minutes later we'd literally heard his whole life story:

. Mum and dad alcoholics

Carnaval del pueblo

. Grew up in Social Care

. Earns money through drugs

. Got stabbed with a screw-driver

. Did a year for atempted murder

. Wants to turn his life around when he's 18

The trio

The thing is, it didn't instill fear in us to talk about this with him, it was more sympathy and pain. He smiled as he spoke through his mouth of half missing teeth. His nervousness evident as he took on and off his hat as he talked and continuously shrugged his hood over his shoulders. The hardest thing to hear was when he told us it was his 15th birthday and he was celebrating by spending his birthday present from his mum (15 pounds) for a cheap bottle of champagne. The prospect of his older brother leaving that life and becoming a business man - wealthy, was like his light at the end of the tunnel "it's so hard to get out of this once you're in it".. Though I couldn't relate to that extent, I listened and gave him the time and attention he needed. The night went on and the mood lulled. We sat spaced out for a meaningless period on a night bus to Kilburn, trying to keep our eyes open for the longest five minutes of our lives. The joint lit just as the sky was brightening and dreams took over.

We spun

It's funny the people you meet at night, the wanderers of London - the more fearful side you see in strangers and they rush to their destination with all alarms at the ready. What I love about it,  is the diversity in class. You start off asking an older rich woman for directions, turn the corner to the Indian man that owns the corner shop. dodging through groups of skinheads with their hoods up and then round a family as they walk towards their car. It's such an eclectic bunch you're a whole different category in yourself. You're no longer that expat, that cultural divide fades as there are too many to afford to have that type of separation..
After non-stop work and various thought-provoking encounters, the clock's struck twelve and flower girl's off to bed, with a whole new appreciation for everything.

 Recipe of the day: Amazing lemon meringue pie 

http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/3482/ultimate-lemon-meringue-pie

Through the looking glass

 It's always interesting having a few days of country living - with a slightly luxurious edge. On one hand it's fantastic being able to catch up with relatives, skimming over the years events and future plans over a delicious lunch. A few days ago I fed into the English spirit with a typical tea party, canope's of roast beef and Yorkshire pudding, glazed sausages and salmon bites; just to add a touch of class we took our pick of Pimms, wine, rosé or elderflower cordial. All the ladies were in flowery dresses and hats - for when the sun decided to momentarily peep out. And the men all had their black suits and funky ties on, their shoes newly polished and looking rather suave. Unfortunately, my 11 cousins (all of whom are a range of ages, me being in the middle) somehow escaped having to socialize and make small talk with mysterious adults all afternoon. So i pranced around looking jolly and entertaining the old folk. At first I dreaded the thought - and found myself repeating the same lackadaisical words to the first few people I spoke to, with a smile of course. But I decided I didn't particularly want to waste my time not making an effort - and I began speaking to one lady who was about 75 years old, called Linda.

1930 - Frida Kahlo 

1940 - Lennon

Linda indirectly opened my eyes to my ignorance towards 'the elders'. Our family calender hangs by the side of the fridge, on which we have a scheduled date every year to see the rellies, somehow it always feels like a slightly laborious task, especially when you're younger. The traditional view towards children was that they should be 'seen and not heard', correct table manners were always expected, and a sweet smile in return for a sugary pudding. Then it was off to bed early while the adults had their 'time' mingling downstairs. Growing up is a funny thing; one of the major facets that makes me feel 'adult' is when others treat you like one, when the intellect within conversations is that much higher, when you're responsible for slightly more than not losing your lunch money, and when adults talk to you with purpose instead of condescendingly patting you on the head. But seeing grandparents, who will always view you as their little grandchild, somehow takes away from the ability to truly learn who they are. Or perhaps it's just laziness on my part in not trying to really find out about their intriguing past.

1950 - Munroe

1960 - Hurston

What fascinates me, is that these people have lived such long lives, to think of the experience I feel I've had in only 18 years is already eye opening. But multiply that by 4 and your perspective widens considerably. Oh the stories Linda began to tell me, none of which made me yawn. The incredible people she'd met, and places she'd lived, her casual reference to historical events like World War 2 and what she'd been doing during that time. It was funny hearing first hand accounts about events that I'd learnt about at school and in textbooks. The swinging 60's and flower-power 70's - I heard about it all; as the Pimms and wine continued to flow, everyone's voices became slightly louder, and their stories raunchier. Being a wallflower was the best role to have played in that scenario.

1970 - Presley

1980 - Jackson

In a series I used to follow, 'One Giant Leap' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gla2IgD52eU) that features two guys who travel around the world interviewing the most fascinating people on all of the most 'deep and meaningful' subjects that exist today: Love, death, age, sex, music etc. and inbetween the interesting speeches there's an eclectic combination of music from various cultures, all synthesized into one amazing tune. Portuguese singers over Indian drummers alongside a melodic tune on a korean flute with some brilliant American guitarist - you get the picture. But one of the episodes on 'age' interviews a lot of older people; you journey through their take on getting old, and the changes that occur around them as a result. I remember one lady talking about how she couldn't look at herself in the mirror because she couldn't accept her 'ugly' wrinkles, while another was full of acceptance and viewed ageing as a sign of beauty. A discussion took place regarding people's reactions and attitudes towards them, how they're suddenly 'outcast' in society and placed in various homes to make others lives easier. (Hobbes's theory on how humans are ultimately selfish creatures and do everything for their own personal gain rings true in this case). The only people they can really relate to or talk to without being spoken to in a fairly condescending manner, or looked at sympathetically are other people of their age. At lunch today someone mentioned their best friend having passed away earlier that week, and though there was sadness in their eyes, they stated the fact with ease, as it had almost become normal to hear that another of their friends had gone. Can you
imagine that? Everyone dropping like flies and not knowing when your turn will be..

1990 - Dhal

2000 - Swayze

One of the biggest concepts I struggle with is imagining my grandparents in their youth, as the image I see them as is 'sweet old grandma who cooks amazing food and grandpa who dosses and reads the newspaper'. I'd never picture them clubbing, getting completely smashed or dancing stark naked on bars in feather boas - but today, I learnt, their youth was far wilder than many people's I know today. It's not too hard to imagine considering they grew up in a world of psychedelic music accompanied by abundant hallucinogenics.

2010 - Obama

This is the peak of my youth, of many of ours, but to think about the drastic changes that occur as we age, slotting us into different roles. We're confronted with examples of old age that people almost conform to as they reach it, the clothes, the lifestyle, the house. But hearing stories and experiences of the years that led up to it, from such an open and interesting perspective, really gets the mind going - let's just hope the rumours concerning the colossal damage that will 'wipe out'  the human race in 2012, doesn't happen, so we can experience whatever lies beyond this peak.







 Recipe of the day: Pesto chicken with roasted tomato's 
http://www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/10416/creamy-pesto-chicken-with-roasted-tomatoes

Close your eyes - what can you see?

Fairy footprints

I sit in the loud silence of the evening. Some may recognize that saying as a paradox but it is no such thing. Having lived in tropical countries most of my life - I've been lulled to sleep by the spinning of fan blades, the buzz of mosquitoes (not the most pleasant sound) or the distant rush and beeps of cars. But here, isolated from civilization and surrounded by water that almost insulates us from sound waves - one can tune into the universal hum of silence. When I was younger I would put my ear to the pillow and hear the sound almost escalating. My imagination would go wild - I could see a whole world of tiny people, (similar to those in 'Horton hears a Who' by Doctor Seuss), the sound emanating from the minute golden foghorns that one could only faintly detect.

It's funny how the concept of imagination is generally associated with children. The idea that as we get older and more wrapped up in our physical worlds, our imagination loses priority. A large part of that does have to do with time. As kids we're free from the list of responsibilities that accompany adults. We have the time and space to roam, and our minds aren't subject to so much influence that's thrust upon us as we grow up. Newspapers, TV, just media in general, then there are books, events, people. Up until the age of about 12 I wouldn't watch the news out of fear. It was like watching a real life horror story, the confrontation with reality was too gory and brutal. But you get eased into it, the death of hundreds of people due to car bombs or warfare begins to seem more normal. Of course empathy remains but as I've said before, when you routinely see the same kind of things on the news, it brings with it a strong sense of normality.

Call me a flower child

When we lived in Sri Lanka during the last few years of the Civil War, I'd receive emails from friends in other countries asking if I was alive after a recent bombing - And that was normal. The news made it look so much more terrifying than the bubble us expats were living in; surrounded by constant parties, beaches and a lot of security guards. Actually there was one day that I remember quite clearly. We were 14- 15 years old, a group of friends and I. We'd bought tickets to a concert that had a few local well known expat bands that had won various music competitions - so you can imagine how excited we were. Everyone was wearing their 'Icarus' shirts and the buzz was getting bigger as the concert went on. 30 minutes into the show, the announcer comes up on stage with the microphone announcing "Hi everyone.. uhm.. there's currently an air raid occurring and the government's instructed for all lights and electricity to be switched off in Colombo to confuse the terrorists". Everyone nervously laughed at the 'joke' that he'd come up with to kick off the intermission. The lights all went out and I looked out the window in the Foyer.. I could see little bright lights shooting into the sky "Fireworks!" I was so excited - someone else screamed back "They're bullets!" Within seconds, thousands of teenagers in Icarus shirts were running into one another tapping furiously at their phones. The phone signal was totally gone and the doors had been padlocked by the guards to ensure none of us were hit outside the building. Everyone clustered together, the heat rose and sweat appeared on everyone's panic-stricken faces. "I love you if this is it", I heard that over and over again. It seemed so unreal, we heard about this on the News! We didn't experience this! It all turned out to be OK, the Tamil Tiger Planes were shot down by the Sinhalese army and the doors were eventually unlocked. Needless to say the concert did not go on, but our lives did.

Red poppy riding solo

Distinguish the grey horizon

So to link these slightly shocking stories to my main point. Imagination is almost 'lessened' because so much of what one would imagine via watching video or computer games, happens in real life so less is left for the imagination to conjure up. Some people do choose to spend their time indulging in their imaginations instead of falling victim to reality. Artists tune into their creative streams and focus them into more mature creations like sculptures, clothes, movies etc. But artists only make up a small percent of the population so what does that say about the rest of us? Imagine if the people that created our surroundings had wild imaginations like Dr. Seuss - our houses would be lop-sided and bright purple, Willy Wonker would have created chocolate rivers and bubble-gum trees, and Yayoi Kusama would have polka dots splattered all over the place.

Monopoly

Back on the road at last

Scone prep.

My brother and I discussed this on our walk today - to our left was the windy sea, due to the overcast, dismal day it reflected the grey sky; sea and sky blended together, separated by merely a line of dark grey horizon. To my right a royal contrast, golden fields of wheat blew in the breeze that created gentle waves of kernels at its surface.
Dad was walking slower to accompany my granny, and my brother and I walked on ahead. The discussion began with the effect video games have on the mind - his argument was there are far more pro's than cons and mine was vice versa. He claims that it aids his imagination, I asked "with violence?" And he began telling me of all the things he saw happening around him at that moment. I chimed in and added my usual whimsical fantasies of fairies and elves running between the straws of wheat. His fantasies always seem to resemble scenes from Lord of The Rings - a slight obsession to put it lightly.

Fresh scones baby!

All fantastical thought was paused as we ran into various forks in the path and had to zone back in while he figured out where we were going. The day dragged on, Smoked Haddock and salad for lunch followed by a big game of monopoly. Board games have to make an appearance on drizzly days. After my 12 year old brother had successfully made us all bankrupt with his ridiculous money-making tactics, I set about making fresh scones. I had the house to myself for a few hours as the others were off 'prawning' in the boat. I stood outside in the brightening sky and inhaled on a familiar friend.. The rest of the day has been slow and light. The scones were delicious with blackberries, clotted cream and jam (with tea of course) and the sausage pie for dinner filled us to the brim.
Time to close my eyes and switch on the imagination button for a few hours.


 Recipe of the day: Sausage pie (Any pastry can be used)
http://www.jusrol.co.uk/recipe.aspx?RecipeId=141