Jumbled fascination

The grapes and M.

Pool sessionz

My light blue kurta is flitting to the movement of the fan above us, the little blue flowers dancing in broken rhythm  with the familiar melody of Stevie's 'isn't she lovely' swirling around the room. I'm zoning out on a Saturday morning to the smell of roasted coffee beans as dad puts on his morning brew and my brother sits perfectly content in his usual indention in the bed with his laptop and headphones to accompany him. I'm still floating in the post-yoga high when seconds seem to tick slightly slower and your thoughts weave in and out of each other instead of coming at you all at once. My eating routine's taken a change of course after being given a pre-op diet by the doctor. I already choose to whine about the restrictions in my usual diet - 'no wheat' being the most straining factor. But now it's no dairy, caffeine, green veg, cheese, wheat, nuts or alcohol. Doesn't that cover pretty much every food group excluding meat? I guess my decision on weather to go veg. or not has been made. But it's quite interesting having to have such self-discipline regarding what you eat (not that I stick to it very often). But when you do, you learn to be creative and combine different flavours to give yourself the same satisfaction that something you'd normally eat would give you. This morning welcomed me with porridge oats, milk and fresh berries, with lemon & honey tea - there are alternatives!
I'm realizing as I learn more and more about nutrition and food that there are 10000+ methods to follow diet-wise, whether you choose to go with what's best for your blood type (read my previous post called 'blood red munch' if you're interested), your personal preference (vegan/ vegetarianism etc), a Buddhist diet (where they tend to avoid stimulating/ heating foods like ginger, garlic, meat etc. because it keeps the mind too active during meditation) or your ayurvedic constitution.. I know this is a lot of information in one go but bear with me.

Double J

Recently I've become particularly interested in the last method I mentioned, and am learning about it slowly. Basically in ayurveda they split people into various 'types' or 'dosha's', this is based on all of your physical, emotional and psychological workings and once you've found out what combination of dosha's you are, you can adjust your diet or lifestyle based on what's 'best suited' to you. E.g. some people don't work well with a rabbit diet (salads and light foods) whereas some people do. You'll find that with all of these different methods, much of the dietary/ lifestyle advice overlaps so you can really refine what's best for you - if you're interested that is ;). (http://doshaquiz.chopra.com/) - if you want to find out what you are, check it out and see if it makes sense.

Besides dietary concerns, due to my temperamental tummy bug I stayed in bed last night, snuggled up under the covers after having been diversely remedied from both sides of the family. My mum lay with me and vigorously rubbed the never-failing remedy of Chinese oil on my tummy until it generated enough heat to kill the pain, and my dad brought over a cup of  dandelion and wild honey tea. I felt satiated with all the heat and my petals wilted down into bed with a big hoodie and baggy trackies; my eyes closing as credits from 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' scrolled down the screen. As my heartbeat slowed and I drifted into a dream-world, the motif of the movie (in response to the ever thought provoking question, and a common topic of girly conversation 'why do good people always go for the wrong people') danced around my head in italic font, 'we accept the love we think we deserve' - a deep message to conceptualize, and reflecting on it stings..
I'd read 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'  by Stephen Chybosky a few years ago when a best friend and I did our 'favourite book swap' in an attempt to get back into reading (I gave her '13¹⁄₂ lives of captain bluebear' by Walter Moers - amazing book). It worked - I raced through the book, connecting to the characters so easily. The movie lived up to more than I thought it would, the scenes of the protagonists lunacy being scarily relatable - they reminded me of those rare intoxicated/ delirious moments that happen when you feel like you're going crazy and you realize it's all in your own head.. or maybe that's just me :p. It was interesting seeing what brought on the lunacy though, the driving emotion being 'guilt' that is said again and again to be the emotion with the lowest vibrational frequency. Meaning harbouring guilt, causes pain, disease, injury, lunacy even.. So the mountain of thoughts, questions and worries continuously spun around my head, but darkness eventually prevailed.

We're baaack

The last few days in KL have seemed to blur together as I'm sure everyone's has. It's always like that when you're in the hustle and bustle of seeing friends and engrossing yourself in your old environment, parties, pool days, lunches, rekindling old flames, sessions here and there - it's all so fun, but it doesn't stop. Seeing how friendships have changed, who's adapted to uni life and who's still hanging on to our glorious past. You stop questioning and wondering how we're all going to stay intouch and what our future holds because seeing each other just makes you appreciate when it does happen. The Lumineers are strumming along to 'Flowers in your hair' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sb6LduFwRM) a song that was sent to me by a friend the other day. I'm wondering where I put my phone 10 minutes ago, this memory-loss thing is really starting to get to me, I almost feel like I should write a book on 'Alzheimers for Teenagers', but noticing the same trend amongst the majority of my friends makes me feel slightly better.

Oh Bush

Indulge me in a bit of reflection on the bigger picture. A few weeks ago I was told that our DNA is 94% identical to a fruit flies - yet that 4% still deems humans to be the top of the food chain? I was talking to my uncle D. about why this was and gained some rather interesting insight. I learnt about his business that he started himself a long time ago, with a typewriter in a dingy room. He expanded and worked his way up to own one of the most successful PR businesses in the UK, that he then happily sold on at it's peak. At the point of selling his business he was offered the most life changing job, to be the top CEO of some huge marketing company ladidadida, and after weighing the pro's and con's, he didn't choose the luxury, the parties and the girls but instead to drop his ego and focus on what he wanted, having a family and a lifestyle - which I commend him for.We got down to the thrawl of things and why you'd choose one decision over another and concluded that greed is what drives humans. A very real example of this can be seen in politics.. in a speech made my George Bush (who I don't particularly respect, but this point had a level of sanity to it) regarding the kyoto protocol (the climate change deal that he did not comply with). He believes the way forward is investing in technology as opposed to forest conservation etc. A seemingly ignorant opinion at first but his reasoning is that because technology has the power to do everything for us, and humans create technology because it essentially makes our lives easier. Hence technology benefits us and should be invested in because greed is what drives technology production unlike forest conservation. They've already proved that technology can take over from natural methods. Just look at the answer to the extinction of bees, they've now created 'robot bees' to pollinate flowers in a faster and more precise manner than real bees - is it the natural way of doing things? No. But that's another debate. So while Bush seems like a dick for not wanting to support the environment, his cynical view is quite realistic, and ruthless. Amongst all of the clutter that I've just mentioned, even if we are driven my selfish motives, sometimes in the hardest decision it takes a drop of the ego to make the choice to consciously stand at the top of the chain.. otherwise we may as well lose the 4% and join the fruit flies.

Sci-guy

Another blurry day

I'm still floating a little from all the thinking and the meditation, and I catch a passage from Guru Singh's lecture on how to ground yourself, what a coincidence! I hear him say in his laid back Cali accent "Buddha once said 'walk the middle path', I call that boredom, and that's what grounds you. 'Knowing' is boredom because when you know something, there are no more surprises, just guarantees. " That's something to think about, just in case you didn't have enough ;). So I'm going to sit in 'knowing' for a bit as I come back down to an overcast KL afternoon. I can see little children running around and laughing downstairs in the pool.. it makes a change from the usual giggles that escape the mouths of a group of teenagers sitting in a circle with a few beats and a steady stream of smoke. My brain feels fed, now it's my tummy's turn - lunchtime!


Recipe of the day: Overnight oats

http://www.katheats.com/favorite-foods/overnightoats

Cradles and coins

At the moment I'm sitting in front of a lovely 4 month old piece of innocence, who I look after once every few days. It's a nice time to have a breather amidst the running around with silver trays and hot food. Playing peek-a-boo and waving around rattles luckily doesn't require too much exertion. The other day I was lying on the sofa feeding her a bottle - it's funny watching babies when they feed, their eyes roll back slightly as they enter this entranced state of pure ecstasy  interrupt this trance and you're done for. Her eyes slowly started drooping and I was sucked in to her dream-world as we both dozed together on the sofa, to be awoken 20 minutes later by a wriggle/ cue for a nappy change. It was a sweet site while it lasted - I told my dad about this and he raised his eyebrows slightly, concerned at the thought of his 18 year old daughters maternal instincts kicking in already.

Bonding time

One of the reasons I partly love babysitting is the fact that my boss is not a complete power-obsessed asshole.  Both parents are lovely, easy to be around and won't flip their lid if you walk in the door 5 minutes past the hour. This being a 'slight' contrast to the other bosses I seem to have acquired over the months. One, as I've ranted about before is a manic egotistical coke-head that's huungry for power. His demands strike a balance between being pointless and irritating but passively complying to them is the only way to avoid the storm. One waitress, well former waitress, had strong alpha female qualities and wasn't afraid to voice her opinion as and when it was needed - this, to his great frustration was a quality that he believed 'challenged his authority' and for no appropriate reason, her shifts were cut to nothing - so she left. On one hand, she lost a job, but on the other, she's escaping the Friday nights of sprinting around on tip-toes trying to avoid a conflict that would most likely end in streams of tears and low self-esteem. Watching him as he's in his element of rage is scary - his ego inflates to fill every space in the room, and his eyes flicker with enjoyment at having asserted his authority in whatever way possible. One of my colleagues describes it as 'soul-destroying' having someone constantly putting you down, but I've developed the technique of mind over matter. As he's looming over me, red in the face from shouting about how I need to take a tables order faster than they can give it to me (does that make no sense to you too?) my eyes slightly glaze over and I retreat to my thoughts. This causes his rage-o-meter to hit new heights as his desired reaction of trembling in fear isn't created.

That sultry stare

My second boss is only a few years older than me and doesn't have many admirers either. She goes from being a sweet and 'relatable' peer to lacking any charm or personal skills. I stood back from the table I'd just lain  - it had a ridiculous number of different knives, forks, glasses, flowers etc but it made me smile knowing I could put something like that together in 10 minutes and make it look pretty good. Boss woman walks over to the table and wipes away the perfectly lain cutlery infront of the first chair, demonstrating 'what will happen when someone sits down if the knives aren't pushed up half an inch further', pushing people around just.because.she.could. It's funny how status seems to affect the psychi so much. How people think it gives you the one-up and therefore allows you to be disrespectful and rude.
There are so many ways to go about having horrible bosses, you can passively accept the 'abuse' (yes, that may be a slight exaggeration)  or you can stand up for yourself. The thing is, by standing up for yourself you may get your point across, but then what? You get fired and replaced with a snap of fingers and no regrets. As nice as it would be to have violins playing, a box of chocolates and a huge apology - it's just not what happens in the real world and some just have to be put up with. My thoughts are, if it's only a few months - deal with it and make as much cash as possible, shit happens.

Street art in Aldgate East

During my down time I decided at the beginning of this year that it'd be a good time to catch up on all those thought-provoking books, documentaries and series that were always put off for 'free time'. The 'free time' in my head never really ends up happening - there's never a casual day with no to-do list or prior engagement, but somehow I keep thinking a week of having nothing to do will spontaneously present itself. So instead I've been watching bits and reading bobs in instalments  so they happen, but over a stretch. I just achieved the feat of completing a 3 hour inspirational movie 'Zeitgeist 3' - the inconvenient length meant that it took me over 2 weeks to finish it, but it was definitely worth the watch. The movie's basically about the earth's present state in terms of economics and development - and where we're heading if we continue at this pace. It talks about the illuminate - the individuals that own all the banks and major companies hence basically controlling the whole economy/ the population/ us. There's a long section on the monetary system and it's meaningless cycle - we pay into banks that don't really own the money in the first place, this same money is then sold, shared and borrowed - the game eggs on the desire for power and control and all sight of the true welfare of the individuals involved, is lost. This is a brief sentence that sums up a very detailed concept explained in the movie, watch it if you're interested (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex8U_4rJn4s).
Two of the biggest things I extracted from that 3 hours was 1) The idea that a rising GDP is inverse to efficiency -- We're taught that the more money a country can earn, the better lifestyles and standards we as humans can have. However this documentary shows that in order for a product to be successful  it has to have a limited life span for consumers to keep buying it, hence nothing is built or created on the basis of being 100% efficient, because it wouldn't be in the interest of the producer.
Many examples were used to demonstrate the destructive properties of the monetary system, one such was crime rates and violence - and the root cause behind over 90% of this? Inequality between rich and poor, and the need to have money whether it's through drugs, stealing or killing - the vicious cycle and the unhealthy focus being ultimately self-destructive.

The venus project

They lightened the mood slightly after all of these fairly depressing facts and figures came out, by focusing on how we can change our world. They came up with 2) 'The Venus Plan' that's been in development for a long time, it's a circular designed system of living that wouldn't require money at all. The centre of the society would be run by technology that would monitor sustainability and productivity - there would be education systems, natural food supplies, methods of transportation etc. and we as individuals would be able to exchange services and abilities and focus on our more creative sides. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ex8U_4rJn4s) Now I don't know if I particularly like the idea of our society being run by technology  but given that humans don't have the objective ability to create anything that truly focuses on the welfare of the collective, maybe it's a good alternative. Changing the system that we live in isn't something that's possible overnight but the awareness being raised on what we're actually taking part in, is important to spread.

Autumn

So aside from trying to keep my brain fairly active, I'm currently planning and booking various flights for my gap year. I've taken part in many persuasive conversations about why I should move away from my comfort zone of Asia and venture into South America instead - and it's funny how fear of the unknown pulls you away from trying new things. But I've finally created a brief brainstorm of what I'm going to do and my mind's at ease.
I'm off to Amsterdam next week, so buckling down at work before I lose the majority of my brain cells on the flat grounds of the Netherlands. The weekends seem to whizz by, but don't they always? Yesterday I utilized the brief spot of Sunday sunshine and went for a stroll in our local park. I walked past the playground and thought about how much it had evolved over the years - The swings I'd been taught to swing on when I was 5, were still there. I could hear my mum and babysitter saying over and over again 'Legs out, lean back. Legs back, lean forward!' - and then after weeks of practise finally accomplishing what seemed like an impossible feat. The long brown slide used to be positioned by the monkey bars, it's now been replaced (due to the number of injuries) by a plastic twirly kid-friendly looking object that claims to be a slide too :s.

As I was walking out of the park the wind was causing little hurricanes of orange leaves along the path and the squirrels were running in and out of them with conkers or peanuts grasped in their little mouths. I walked passed a mother and child and we linked eyes and shared a smile. 5 minutes later I walked passed another woman with a stern, bitter look on her face - hoping to break her shell I smiled at her too, but only managed to get the response of a hard stare and pursed lips - I guess Sunday's don't mean the same to everyone.
The baby just opened her eyes and gurgled - bottle time!


Recipe of the day: Moroccan lamb burgers (Had these at GBK the other day, they're amazeballs.)

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/lamb-recipes/moroccan-style-lamb-burgers

Creamfields

2 of the stages before the rain

I think it's fair to say without exagerrating, that the last few days have been the craziest of my life. Spontinaity is a really important part of living, and one that I strive to gain more of, being someone who's OCD is planning and organizing every minute of my time just for that comfortable feeling of knowing what's happening next. But the thing is, when a plan goes wrong, you're either left flustered having to handle an unexpected turn, disappointed that things didn't work out how they should have, or pleasantly surprised with the new outcome. The latter doesn't seem to happen too often, so I tend to end up disappointed or constantly buzzed in a heated attempt to follow my plan through. Spontinaity allows for no future thought or image - change excites humans, it's part of our nature to look for new and exciting things giving us that rush of adrenaline to feed off of. This weekend was like a tropical adrenaline storm, it just kept going with a force that didn't stop.

While the mud was shallow

Running around London day after day was getting tiring, and an email from a friend that I'd met once on a crazy night in KL, offering me an all expenses paid for ticket to 'Creamfields' (the biggest druggy techno-house-trance festival in England) caused my light bulb to ping straight away. I accepted on a whim, sorted out my shifts with the excuse of 'my cousin's last minute weekend wedding in Scotland' and picked up sleeping bags off a friend. Within a few days, a familiar face arrived at the door looking bedraggled after a 12 hour flight from Malaysia. The familiarity of having someone around that had shared the same life as me, was so relieving. It was so nice not feeling alienated or stuck behind a culture barrier. We spent three days in London, cooking, chatting, bunning and food shopping.

Taken by 'Example' during his show :)

The day of the festival finally arrived, we'd planned to have a full nights sleep before our adventure began but being the teenagers that we are, our heads hit the pillow at about 3am, giving us a good long 3 hours of rest before the alarm shrilled. Jumping out of bed in a state of pure dillusion, we showered, changed and grabbed our countless bags, dragging them down the pavement to the tube station at 6.30am. It's funny how easy it is to take a wrong turn when you're tired, and how much it affects your journey -- by the time we got to the station to catch our 7.30am train, it was 11.00am and 3 trains had since passed. In-between buying coffee to keep our eyes open, and conversing with his other two friends who had also missed their train, we managed to figure out that we could catch the next train at 11.30 and still get there on time. Luckily, unlike our friends, we didn't have to pay any extra costs for our mistake - we did however get moved back from first class to third, cramped up with our sleeping bags and boxes of rice-cakes in the corner of 'carriage F' - oh well.

We get to Creamfields, all we see are rolling hills, and hundreds of people with welly's and bags looking bright, colourful and ready for an amazing time. We could already hear the beats of Calvin Harris and David Guetta in the background, only serving to raise the anxiety levels to storm through the queue's and get to where we needed to be. We ran into a few road-blocks on the way to our destination but managed to get around them somehow (I tell you, having boobs in this day and age makes life so much easier). We amazingly got through the police checks, sniffer dogs and ID men without having ID or sober suitcases on us, and we made our way up the muddy path towards the campsites. We were in luxury camping, meaning hot showers, 'nice loos', set-up tents, airbeds and a short walk to the main arena's. It took us an hour to realize none of us had any sense of direction, and 2.5 hours later we had trudged through knee-high mud with our bags, having explored every campsite, arena and food-stall until we finally reached the tangerine fields - luxury camping. We walked passed funky heart shaped huts with wooden floors and beds (1k for a weekend) and sighed. Our 2 bedroom tent wasn't too shabby though, we lit up and lay down after our tedious journey, thankful to have finally arrived, at 6pm.

The crowd <3

We cleaned ourselves up (wet wipes ftw), got into festival gear and set out to join the crowds. The moment the magic kicked in everything went in fast forward, I felt like I was walking on an airport escalator, zooming through crowds and music -- the world spun out of control and the lights and colours carried us to a state of bliss. Nothing can really compare to live music, huge top quality speakers, the buzz of the crowd and the passion for the music, it went on till sunrise through the pouring rain and freezing gales. People's bones were literally aching due to the cold; body heat and dancing was frostbites only alternative.

Above and Beyond

Waking up in the morning all you could hear were mutters of 'is it cancelled? It's flooded. No Dedmau5. Everyone's leaving'. We poked our heads into the ongoing rain to ask what was going on -- sure enough, nature had got its own on technology and the sound equipment was all completely under-water. An intoxicated girl had fallen face-first into the mud and drowned, a man had shot someone in the head with his rifle, and about 20,000 people were all making their way towards the exit doors. Chaos.

Silent disco

Those of us who decided to stay, breathed in the opportunity with a smile. 80% of people leaving meant: Free food, free tents, free beds, sleeping bags, mats and chairs. We managed to move into a huge tent, we each had our own room, bed, (packeted) food supply and dry area - it was heaven. The clouds moved on and the sun came out at the same time as bikini's, shorts and glasses did -- the rest of the day was spent in a blazed wave, lying on mattresses in the sun.
By night, the mood had shifted. The vibe was so intense, this was the night everyone was planning on going wild. Substances, music, people, colours, everything was out in the open. The next few hours were like the first night, times a million. Hundreds of us raving on hills in the middle of nowhere. Everyone's eyes equally wide as we soaked in the atmosphere - we each met about 50 new people, heard a million new stories and tried a million new things. There was nothing to lose, no one cared what they looked like or sounded like, it was all about the love. The sun rose for the last time and we all sat huddled up, holding hands for body-warmth in the biggest tent we could find, still moving to the music. We packed in a half-daze and caught the last bus to the little town of 'Warrington' with a new group of friends we'd met the night before.

The rain took over.

We all walked into civilization together, feeling the cold-hard stares as people awed at our muddy, bedraggled and homeless appearances. From nature to cement, shops, and warmth - it felt so strange. Mothers directed their children away from us and we just stared in awe at how clean everything looked. We soon found heaven; the waitresses at Nando's hurried us in in a motherly manner, taking our bags off and sitting us down at their two biggest tables. We ate in a comfortable silence appreciating the hot food and the warm room.

We sat outside and rolled a  last celebratory joint. It made the realization that we'd missed three trains, again, less-stressful. We eventually sauntered over to the train station - this time, our seats had been degraded from first class to the carriage in which we sat squashed up on the floor with about 15 bags around us. At that point, nothing mattered, and we lay back on whatever was behind us, and fell asleep. London was a trip to return to - Carnival had just finished and it was feathers and glitter galore.. we walked through the craziness and finally got to what we'd been waiting for - a warm shower and a dry bed.

I've had a day to recover and my eyes still can't see straight. Post-festival-blues has hit and I'm wondering why there isn't a legal cure for this? The pharmaceutical industry are focusing on the wrong crowd.. The light at the end of the tunnel is seeing the photo's from the disposables that we bought with us (and magically managed to bring back!) if only life could be one big festival - Thank you Creamfields! You were a trip ;)



Recipe of the day: Daal and rice (This food saved me at the festival - an extortionate price of 5 pounds, but so worth the result)

http://www.indianfoodforever.com/bachelor-cooking/simple-dal.html

Hurt

They say you live and learn, but what if you're not interested in learning? What if the experience of that learning curve is too painful to conceptualize? I know I tend to rant about society, and the psychology behind big concepts like marriage or money. Concepts that I partly understand, being someone who comes from a broken family, and lives in a world where money is a driving force. But today, is purely a subjective account and questioning of pain in relationships.

If you haven't already guessed, yesterday, I experienced the heartbreak of being 'dumped' ouch that word rings tough. The symptoms include breathlessness, abdominal pain, non-stop waterworks and lack of sensation - everywhere. It's funny how fast it hits you as well, one minute I was having a conversation over skype and the next I was a mess on the floor. (I'll try and leave out the drama). There's a tribe in Papa New Guinea that doesn't have 'depression' as an illness, but instead, diseases with various symptoms in common, one of these including 'heartbreak'. If only the American pharmaceutical company could create a legal pill to heal that.
It's scientifically proven that females have a higher pain threshold than men (an evolutionary reason being to give birth) and this is because we have almost double the pain receptors on our skin. So do we take the blow harder than guys? If pain receptors extend to emotions the answer would be yes. Out of all the categories of 'pain', and while I may be biased at this particular point, I believe heartbreak tops the list. The sense of loss spins your world upside down. It goes from having that one person that means everything, that is such a large percentage of how you spend your time, what you think about, what your future plans are - to suddenly being forced to 'learn from your mistake' and 'move on'. That only happens with time by the way - no matter how much chocolate is eaten, soppy rom-com's are watched, or alcohol is poured into your system, the reality doesn't improve until your new daunting world, becomes normal. 

I think a large part of break-ups have to do with why they happened, whether you're to blame (or the booze). But the concept I'm struggling with, is that my 'ex' (that word stings to type) thrust the 'logical' explanation of why it would be easier to move on from one another now, than have to wait for 4 months of living together, falling completely in love, and experiencing a new side of life, before it all had to be over (universities on opposite sides of the world). Me being the idealist struggled with accepting his ability to make this decision, all I'd been imagining was the fun we'd have, a bitter end is inevitable in a lot of cases. But it's easier to focus on the positive - no one follows the dark spot at the end of the tunnel right? So while the last few weeks have been full of inner-turmoil, not knowing when we'll see each other, getting mentally prepped to make the big move of 'living together' I came to a concious decision 3 days ago, that I'd stop worrying, and enjoy the ride. My dream curdled in a matter of hours and I was left sitting at my laptop in an empty house on the other side of the world from friends and family - single.

I can hear my little cousins words ringing in my ears "you're a single pringle ready to mingle", but I've had months of that - As much as rebounding has it's benefits of losing all inhibitions and physically distracting yourself - let's be honest? Contracting an STD mid-break up doesn't make me want to scream and jump. I think the worst part about everything, is realizing that a relationship rarely involves two people that are on the same wavelength in terms of attachment. You can open yourself up much as possible (no sexual connotations) to someone and create the illusion or belief that they feel the same way, but when you're left in that weak powerless state - 'having the carpet' ripped from under you with no say in the matter, the self-hate kicks in.

It's interesting to see the reactions of friends in situations like this as well - while some throw mean comments and words of hate towards your 'ex', others tell you what your 'true potential' is that you apparently never saw before, and some send you things to read: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup - a step by step list on 'how to get over a break-up' I cringed and sighed when I saw the title, but there are a few nuggets of wisdom that I took away from it, the shining line of the article being a quote by Lucille Ball: "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." So that's my goal! The rest will have to fall into place at some point. Living alone is taking it's toll, and where I'm going to live in the forseeable future is an alarming question mark, now that my fantasy plans have apparently fallen through - The girlfriend's already been replaced by the friend! Regarding room-mates..
An invisible weight is slowly being lowered onto me - my chest is feeling it first. At this point I can see different routes to take - some being less beneficial to my health than others, but I'd love to harness it into something productive. I'm hoping to anything that this new found sense of optimism will kick in so I can start believing in a new fantasy, meanwhile I'm burying myself in work and pretending it's all ok 'service with a smile!' It's comforting to know that so many people can relate to this feeling - and the feeling of it passing - I can't wait for the latter.

Indulge me in choosing the one pie that describes these emotions through its colours and flavours..try and avoid smirking ;)


 Recipe of the day: Heartbreak pie (raspberry and chocolate!)

http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/chocolate-raspberry-pie

Up in the air

At the moment i'm sitting on a plane on our way back to London. Over the last 18 years we've done this trip annually, and a range of emotions has always been present. Over the last few years the excitement has decreased significantly. I remember buzzing in my seat as we pulled in to heathrow airport, 'civilization' being the word that came to mind. I would gawp at the double decker buses, when we walked into corner shops the choices of sweets and crisps baffled me, supermarkets were just overwhelming. That sensation has lessened, especially considering our residence in Kuala Lumpur, a highly developed city, much moreso than Colombo, Sri Lanka, the city that i spent the largest portion of my life in. 2 years ago i was wearing my red hoodie, given to me by my ex-boyfriend Victor. He was moving away to Singapore and I was heartbroken. We'd had an emotional farewell with lots of tears. To my great surprise my friend Simon was sat next to me on the long-hall KLM flight to London via. Amsterdam where we'd both go our seperate ways. I repressed the tears, but the sniffles were on-going due to my streaming cold. Simon was a champ, normality, routine and time are really the three biggest things that ease a heart break, and chocolate of course. Last year I'd said goodbye to one of my best friends Rylie who was returning to America. I don't know if I've had a year when I haven't lost someone or had to say goodbye to someone. But as the saying goes, better to have gained and lost than to have never gained at all.

A bit of B&W

I just watched 'Never Let Me Go', the film ended with the sleeve of my shirt completely soaked due to my endless sobbing. As much as I appreciate a great love story or great acting for that matter, when you've just said goodbye to someone you do love, it's like adding salt an lemon to a wound. Every song, every movie, everything reminds you of the person you've just left behind. You go from cuddling them one minute, feeling their body heat, arms wrapped around you tight, no sense of fear of insecurity... to being in a different country, surrounded by clouds, journeying to the other side of the world where the closest thing you can get to them is a virtual world called the internet. I suppose I should be thankful that that exists in the first place.

Goodbye's are unnatural I think. Humans are meant to grow and change, but we've always had this natural sense of community instilled within us. We're meant to stick to the people you form connections with, because whether you're karmically connected or destined to meet, having those people in your life is what makes it worth living - excuse the cliché. Those people you've connected to must enrich your life in some way, whether they act as a pillar or a prop - the stage would remain bare without all the surrounding works.

Honeymoon phase

So humans got smart and started accessing larger portions of their brains la la la and technology was invented. Just like that which was predicted, large metal birds began flying around in the sky, and the ease of transport continued increasing. What was it that was just invented? An airplane that can get you from London to Sydney in 4 hours? It's crazy, but anyway, back to the point. We've manipulated our surroundings to facilitate our constantly changing requirements... but everything has it's price. Both literally and metaphorically - to keep up with this ever changing world, money's a neccesity, and the differences in wealth determine whether you can afford the luxury of seeing a loved one on the other side of the world or not. I suppose that's a great downfall to our fabulous international lives - we make those amazing connections and merge with new cultures and traditions, exploring whole new societies through our social groups alone. Yet when graduation rolls round, or a new contract or any such event, we all go our seperate ways and another line on a map can be drawn to add to the already existing tangled web of love and friendships.


My boyfriend thread is continously getting longer as this plane accelerates, and while I want to embrace the change, when you have something so great - why would you want to let it go?  We're about half way there, 7 hours to go and the food cart's rolling up, London's fast approaching and my heart-rate's speeding up - feigning a smile is going to have to do, time for a comedy I think.

Recipe of the day: Chocolate, Raspberry, Amaretto pie

http://www.cooks.com/rec/view/0,1937,152176-252205,00.html