From bowling balls to swirly clouds

I sit dozily at an incredibly slow computer in the underrated town of Vang Vieng - Laos. We've since conquered Luang Prabang, the french world heritage site with no loud noises, hundreds of monks in bright orange attire and beautiful french architecture lining the streets. We began by finding our guesthouse that had been reccommended by our french friends in the previous town we were in. We rocked up, picking up a few new friends from the boat E., J. and O. on the way. A cool dude from the Isle of White and 2 lovely Canadian girls that are almost finished uni. The beauty of arriving in a big group (given there's space) is you practically get a dorm for yourself, making it our new home again and again by draping cloth and clothes here and there, lights on when you want them and curtains closed when you choose. J. emptied the contents of  his bag all over the bed as soon as we arrived, and those that shotgunned the shower first hopped in after a long and sweaty 7 hour boat ride. It was funny coming out of the shower smelling like Shampoo and walking into our dorm that 10 minutes ago had smelt fine, but the contrast was appalling as everyone's dirty washing created a not-so-pleasant odour..

V.Ball at Utopia

Veg Buffet

The boys followed their stomachs and were out of the hostel faster than we'd arrived, looking for food in the night market. J. and I decided to follow a different crew for a meal - settling with noodle soup for $2.50 that left our mouths burning and our noses streaming. We walked through the markets after dinner and it all came rushing back. You know when you've been to a place before, and you return to exactly the same scene, it's like travelling back in time. The little ladies selling their wares. Handmade shirts, colourful bags, block printed paintings, metal bracelets made out of bomb fragments, bottles of dead snakes fermenting in rice wine. It went on and on and on, getting hotter and hotter as you walked passed the smoky BBQ's and street vendors, the smoke getting trapped under the cloth above our heads. We bumped into our Israeli friend that had moved on a few days before us - having drinks at a suave french bar after being succesfully seduced with a 'free cocktail' flier. The curfew here as I've said before, is 11pm, which makes everything rather rushed once the clock's struck 9:00pm. The place to be in LP is Utopia, an outside bar with comfy cushions where people lie smoking shisha or watching extreme sports. Round the back is a huge volleyball court where the drunk gather to smash the ball in whatever direction they please as hand-eye-coordination slowly declines. It was so bizaare when you walked around and noticed the huge missiles sticking out of the ground, the missile that had been turned on its side and made into a BBQ or the one that the toilet paper rested on in the corner of the bathroom.

Golden Buddha's

When 11pm strikes, the crowds are whisked off by eager tuk tuk drivers, to the bowling alley, the only place in LP that stays open until 3am. I expected disco lights and dancing but we arrived to bright, fluorescent lights, bowling and Justin Bieber in the background. It wasn't until later that I realized why none of the bars here have dance floors.. dancing in Luang Prabang is illegal. Go figure? I don't understand the logic..
It's nice having everyone staying at the same hostel, it means you can be shuttled away with a group and will most likely end up home -- the second floor being the post-bowling gathering spot where bongs, papers and cups scattered the table and a sign reading 'Stay QUIET after 12!' was prominently stuck on the pillar above the table.
The next morning we all herded to the breakfast vendors selling fruit shakes and fresh baguettes with your choice of filling. We noticed how it was only foreigners eating here, ah well it worked for us. We wanted to do something productive with our day so haggled a tuk-tuk down to a reasonable price and headed off to the waterfalls. We arrived to the garden of Eden, 'a Disney scene', an Oasis. I'd been before but it never ceases to amaze how stunning the turqoise water is. Nothing could spoil this scene but bad weather, luckily the sun was on our side. We swung off ropes all day into the still water, hopping out as the little fish nibbled your toes and later meditating in the serenity.
That evening everyone was starving, so we appropriately found a vegetarian buffet in which they gave you a plate for just over a dollar, and allowed you to pile it as high as you wanted -- the boys came over to the table precariously balancing their piles of food. Utopia and various moments of chunder followed that night.

Typical breaky

The next day, after a painful experience at a ridiculously slow internet cafe, attempting to upload photo's as back-up and having the computer turn on and off for an hour. The day got progressively better luckily, as we explored temples around the town and had a coffee and a few flower fumes at a sweet cafe over hanging the Mekong and then ending up with the crew at the notorious Veg. buffet again.. the law of 'no dancing' wasn't an issue that evening as we lay happily watching extreme sports in awe, monged out on the cushions. That evening we met a Kiwi Off-shore worker thats minted mate was having a 33rd birthday party at 'the pool' the next day, with $1000 tab to share. Ah the beauty of bars.

Crazy missiles

The next day was 'Justin's big birthday', we arrived to see hundreds of people and an empty tab that had been cleared of drinks in the first 2 hours, it was only 2pm. We talked, swam and kicked around the ball until dinner time when we treated ourselves to our regular Indian. Seeing the total price made us laugh as for 10 people we were paying the equivalent of 1 person back 'home' (in London). We ended with these little tapioca rice puddings that they serve in little banana leaf boxes on the street, and chunks of vibrant red watermelon. The night brought us back to the second floor of our hostel, with our new Israeli friends 'Tslil and Daphna', it was interesting discussing religious views with the first agnostic Israeli-Jew I'd met so far. We'd be interrupted momentarily by the annoying child that ran around constantly crying and throwing toy trucks at the stray cats that roamed the area.
The following night was the same child's birthday I think, and it was a night of silence for once. The owner of the guesthouse provided everyone with a free 'instant noodle' dinner and birthday cake that lined everyone's stomachs well for the night that followed. I was missing wheat -- having a wheat-allergy restricts a lot in terms of diet. No instant noodles, baguettes, toast, pasta. It's a lot easier to follow in Asia when rice is the main starch but I was missing my western food as well and craved a baguette or an oreo (that's all the rage here). That day had been a relaxed one. We'd spent it reading, writing, sorting out bank stuff and eating banana-chocolate-peanut butter crepes. In the evening 'Life of Pi' was showing at 'the bookshop'. It was upstairs, in an attic almost, where books lined the walls and everyone had a cup of tea of hot chocolate. Cushions were scattered everywhere, and we jumped on a spot right in front of the screen as soon as we could. I was apprehensive about watching the movie when the book had been so good, but it projected the writing so perfectly onto the screen. It teaches you so clearly, in a very hollywood-esque way, about so much. It talks about how the bible/ religious texts are just elaborated stories of the simple and basic facts, how to conquer the 'evil' within yourself to survive (symbolized by a tiger) and realizing via coming across the carniverous island, that paradise/ heaven on earth, can turn into hell just as fast. All part of the Yin-Yang I guess.
After the movie we decided to show our faces for a few hours at Utopia, bumping into the girls we'd lived with in 'Sapa, Vietnam' during our home stay. Listening to their adventures/ horror stories about being in a bus that crashed and covering themselves from shards of glass with thin blankets. We touched wood with sympathetic faces, hoping we wouldn't be repeating the story with us as the new characters. That evening we looked around the table, feeling slightly wavy, and realizing most of our crew had moved on to Vang Vieng. It's funny looking around and not recognizing anyone, apart from the new Swedish boys we'd been speaking to, picking up as many tips about our next (and their previous) destination.

The sun-bears by the waterfall

The waterfall

The morning after was the day we were supposed to leave. And it was rather rushed to say the least. J. jumped out of bed at 11.00am realizing he had to pick up forms at the hospital, as I packed his bag and rushed to Utopia to re-claim our clothes that we'd left (who's surprised?) the night before.. We all arrive back in-sync realizing we had over an hour to relax before the bus came. That hour was spent getting breaky and doing a bit of basic chemistry.. extracting Codeine from Paracetamol to crash out on the long, and windy 6 hour bus ride to V.V. 'What's the time' someone mentioned, and when the response was '1:34pm' when we were supposed to leave at '1:30pm' we all slumped our shoulders, realizing we'd indeed missed the bus. Luckily our manager set us up with a 'VIP mini-van' for less than the local-bus price and we all hopped in an hour past 'leaving time'. The mood was wavy until we hit the windy roads, and everyone bit their tongues and kept their stomachs in check as we sat through the very long first couple of hours that lead us into the clouds. We got out at last, letting out a sigh of relief that we were somewhat closer to our destination, and gaping at the thick fog that surrounded us. It was cold again and felt like we were back in Hanoi, the jumpers came out and everyone dissapeared pronto as you couldn't see a metre infront of you. We finally arrived to a dark and quiet Vang Vieng, jumping out at 'Santii-villa guesthouse' that had been reccommended by the Swedes. It was exciting having such huge rooms, clean beds and our own showers. That evening we ate our noodle soups in silence in front of 'Friends' that was showing on TV at the restaurants. Half-way through the meal running into our mates from LP made us all smile. We passed out in front of HBO and a few flower fumes that the bar next door sold in great variety on his 'Happy menu'.
Being in Vang Vieng feels like being in a fairy-tale. It's like the Amsterdam of Asia - menu's selling 'shroom-tea and opium shakes' like it's the most normal thing in the world. We skipped a day at the blue lagoon the next day for a pineapple shroom shake and a day of reflection. Stumbling across a magical bridge that lead to a surreal reality of a stunning lord-of-the-ring'esque river, mountains, locals washing their clothes and people floating individually in tubes down the river. Hot-Air-Balloons rose above us and everyone closed their eyes to experience the visuals and the understanding of the world beyond our shallow perception. We made our way back in time for sun-set to our rooms for a boogie to Pink Floyde, that suddenly seemed so much clearer. That evening was full of laughs on every level.

The day of reflection

Funny tea

The day after we joined the crowds and came back down for a bit of tubing down the Mekong. Though It's changed from a crazy, drunk-tourist centre, it's changed for good. We floated in peace, with the optional bar or 2 a long the way, through spots of sun and in front of gigantic fictional mountains all the way to the end-point that was a few hours down the line. Seeing people get stuck on rocks and tumbling in rapids making everyone giggle a long the way. Sticks were our method of paddling and hooking onto each others feet our way of sticking together. The evening ended with hot showers, a big family dinner, free banana milkshakes and a movie night infront of the 'big screen' at 'Sakura', everyone grunting in frustration as the end of 'Snatch' froze. Banana-chocolate crepes made it all better, and our soft pillows awaited beaming faces back at Santii-villa, our home for the moment being.

Recipe of the day: Rice dumplings

http://www.thekitchn.com/recipe-kenny-laos-rickshaw-dum-74872

Jumbled fascination

The grapes and M.

Pool sessionz

My light blue kurta is flitting to the movement of the fan above us, the little blue flowers dancing in broken rhythm  with the familiar melody of Stevie's 'isn't she lovely' swirling around the room. I'm zoning out on a Saturday morning to the smell of roasted coffee beans as dad puts on his morning brew and my brother sits perfectly content in his usual indention in the bed with his laptop and headphones to accompany him. I'm still floating in the post-yoga high when seconds seem to tick slightly slower and your thoughts weave in and out of each other instead of coming at you all at once. My eating routine's taken a change of course after being given a pre-op diet by the doctor. I already choose to whine about the restrictions in my usual diet - 'no wheat' being the most straining factor. But now it's no dairy, caffeine, green veg, cheese, wheat, nuts or alcohol. Doesn't that cover pretty much every food group excluding meat? I guess my decision on weather to go veg. or not has been made. But it's quite interesting having to have such self-discipline regarding what you eat (not that I stick to it very often). But when you do, you learn to be creative and combine different flavours to give yourself the same satisfaction that something you'd normally eat would give you. This morning welcomed me with porridge oats, milk and fresh berries, with lemon & honey tea - there are alternatives!
I'm realizing as I learn more and more about nutrition and food that there are 10000+ methods to follow diet-wise, whether you choose to go with what's best for your blood type (read my previous post called 'blood red munch' if you're interested), your personal preference (vegan/ vegetarianism etc), a Buddhist diet (where they tend to avoid stimulating/ heating foods like ginger, garlic, meat etc. because it keeps the mind too active during meditation) or your ayurvedic constitution.. I know this is a lot of information in one go but bear with me.

Double J

Recently I've become particularly interested in the last method I mentioned, and am learning about it slowly. Basically in ayurveda they split people into various 'types' or 'dosha's', this is based on all of your physical, emotional and psychological workings and once you've found out what combination of dosha's you are, you can adjust your diet or lifestyle based on what's 'best suited' to you. E.g. some people don't work well with a rabbit diet (salads and light foods) whereas some people do. You'll find that with all of these different methods, much of the dietary/ lifestyle advice overlaps so you can really refine what's best for you - if you're interested that is ;). (http://doshaquiz.chopra.com/) - if you want to find out what you are, check it out and see if it makes sense.

Besides dietary concerns, due to my temperamental tummy bug I stayed in bed last night, snuggled up under the covers after having been diversely remedied from both sides of the family. My mum lay with me and vigorously rubbed the never-failing remedy of Chinese oil on my tummy until it generated enough heat to kill the pain, and my dad brought over a cup of  dandelion and wild honey tea. I felt satiated with all the heat and my petals wilted down into bed with a big hoodie and baggy trackies; my eyes closing as credits from 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower' scrolled down the screen. As my heartbeat slowed and I drifted into a dream-world, the motif of the movie (in response to the ever thought provoking question, and a common topic of girly conversation 'why do good people always go for the wrong people') danced around my head in italic font, 'we accept the love we think we deserve' - a deep message to conceptualize, and reflecting on it stings..
I'd read 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower'  by Stephen Chybosky a few years ago when a best friend and I did our 'favourite book swap' in an attempt to get back into reading (I gave her '13¹⁄₂ lives of captain bluebear' by Walter Moers - amazing book). It worked - I raced through the book, connecting to the characters so easily. The movie lived up to more than I thought it would, the scenes of the protagonists lunacy being scarily relatable - they reminded me of those rare intoxicated/ delirious moments that happen when you feel like you're going crazy and you realize it's all in your own head.. or maybe that's just me :p. It was interesting seeing what brought on the lunacy though, the driving emotion being 'guilt' that is said again and again to be the emotion with the lowest vibrational frequency. Meaning harbouring guilt, causes pain, disease, injury, lunacy even.. So the mountain of thoughts, questions and worries continuously spun around my head, but darkness eventually prevailed.

We're baaack

The last few days in KL have seemed to blur together as I'm sure everyone's has. It's always like that when you're in the hustle and bustle of seeing friends and engrossing yourself in your old environment, parties, pool days, lunches, rekindling old flames, sessions here and there - it's all so fun, but it doesn't stop. Seeing how friendships have changed, who's adapted to uni life and who's still hanging on to our glorious past. You stop questioning and wondering how we're all going to stay intouch and what our future holds because seeing each other just makes you appreciate when it does happen. The Lumineers are strumming along to 'Flowers in your hair' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3sb6LduFwRM) a song that was sent to me by a friend the other day. I'm wondering where I put my phone 10 minutes ago, this memory-loss thing is really starting to get to me, I almost feel like I should write a book on 'Alzheimers for Teenagers', but noticing the same trend amongst the majority of my friends makes me feel slightly better.

Oh Bush

Indulge me in a bit of reflection on the bigger picture. A few weeks ago I was told that our DNA is 94% identical to a fruit flies - yet that 4% still deems humans to be the top of the food chain? I was talking to my uncle D. about why this was and gained some rather interesting insight. I learnt about his business that he started himself a long time ago, with a typewriter in a dingy room. He expanded and worked his way up to own one of the most successful PR businesses in the UK, that he then happily sold on at it's peak. At the point of selling his business he was offered the most life changing job, to be the top CEO of some huge marketing company ladidadida, and after weighing the pro's and con's, he didn't choose the luxury, the parties and the girls but instead to drop his ego and focus on what he wanted, having a family and a lifestyle - which I commend him for.We got down to the thrawl of things and why you'd choose one decision over another and concluded that greed is what drives humans. A very real example of this can be seen in politics.. in a speech made my George Bush (who I don't particularly respect, but this point had a level of sanity to it) regarding the kyoto protocol (the climate change deal that he did not comply with). He believes the way forward is investing in technology as opposed to forest conservation etc. A seemingly ignorant opinion at first but his reasoning is that because technology has the power to do everything for us, and humans create technology because it essentially makes our lives easier. Hence technology benefits us and should be invested in because greed is what drives technology production unlike forest conservation. They've already proved that technology can take over from natural methods. Just look at the answer to the extinction of bees, they've now created 'robot bees' to pollinate flowers in a faster and more precise manner than real bees - is it the natural way of doing things? No. But that's another debate. So while Bush seems like a dick for not wanting to support the environment, his cynical view is quite realistic, and ruthless. Amongst all of the clutter that I've just mentioned, even if we are driven my selfish motives, sometimes in the hardest decision it takes a drop of the ego to make the choice to consciously stand at the top of the chain.. otherwise we may as well lose the 4% and join the fruit flies.

Sci-guy

Another blurry day

I'm still floating a little from all the thinking and the meditation, and I catch a passage from Guru Singh's lecture on how to ground yourself, what a coincidence! I hear him say in his laid back Cali accent "Buddha once said 'walk the middle path', I call that boredom, and that's what grounds you. 'Knowing' is boredom because when you know something, there are no more surprises, just guarantees. " That's something to think about, just in case you didn't have enough ;). So I'm going to sit in 'knowing' for a bit as I come back down to an overcast KL afternoon. I can see little children running around and laughing downstairs in the pool.. it makes a change from the usual giggles that escape the mouths of a group of teenagers sitting in a circle with a few beats and a steady stream of smoke. My brain feels fed, now it's my tummy's turn - lunchtime!


Recipe of the day: Overnight oats

http://www.katheats.com/favorite-foods/overnightoats

M&J In wonderland

The caterpillar

I sat on the tube today on my way back from work and just listened. I could here the tinny electronic beats of a clubby techno tune that the guy next to me was listening to. The girl opposite was stressing out about which station to get off at, constantly shifting in her seat and itching to get up as the doors opened at each stop. We were at 'Gospel Oak Station' according to the Ladies recorded voice that repeated its way down the carriages. I was on the last tube of the night - it made me think how unbelievable the concept of tube/ train conductors are, we still have them? Technology's developed to the point where we have bar codes splashed over everything to enable people and their smartphones to access a specific website/ product etc. My friend whom I stayed with in Holland had a robot that automatically switched on at a regular time bracket every day, to clean the house, and webcam's will soon become a thing of the past as holographic projectors begin to take over. These are just a few minor examples of how technology's improving, yet our system of public transport that is used by thousands every single day, is still such an old world idea. I wonder how many years it will take for electric pods to zoom us through the tunnels of the underground in no time at all.

Nature

This weekend I managed to escape the tubes, trains, shops and city life for a country getaway at my Aunts beautiful estate in Wiltshire. It was 6pm when we arrived to a dark night sky and fresh country air. We strolled through the fields for half an hour to wind down and take a few deep breaths of the countryside. I'd brought one of my best friends along for the experience, she'd never been there before so it was exciting sharing a familiar home. It's funny seeing things by night, if there are no lights on and you stare ahead of you, anything could exist. It reminded me of the movie Coraline, there's a scene where the little girl and her cat walk 'off the grid', and  nothing ahead of them exists. Castles, seas, city's and towns could have been in front of us and we'd never know until the morning. But sure enough, the sun rose the next day, and it all came to life - the rolling hills of green spotted with clumps of trees, sheep and horses. The foliage is all dying away and it's nearing the end of the mushroom season but we still managed to find a million different kinds in the long grass and on the stumps of tree trunks.  Mushrooms are fascinating, in a previous post I mentioned a TedTalks video based on mushrooms and their magical qualities (I'm not just talking about hallucinogenics - they are incredible [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XI5frPV58tY] ). They look so alien as well - from afar the elephant ear mushrooms look like white plates thrown onto the grass, others look like warped pieces of tissue paper and some are just your stereotypical helmets on stalks, with colours ranging from white to yellow to orange to black.

Alice moments

I had a few family commitments but managed to fit them all in breezily; lunch with Gran followed by a quick spot of mince pies and tea - it made me appreciate my English heritage. I took M. for a stroll in Gran's garden, passed fragrant lavender that's not nearly as wild as in the summer. Frost had started to form over the little flower buds and a light layer was on the ground below. Bonding time with the cousins was also in order, zooming over the hills on quad bikes at the highest gear they'd go as our hands and cheeks lost all sensation (and colour) due to the nippy weather, fishing for Pike on the edge of the wooden dock that leaned over the running water and dossing out to 'friends' on the sofa, with the heating on full. I saw hale for the first time since I was 8 and ran to the window like an excited child - earning me strange looks from everyone in the room. I stuck my hand out and felt the icy stones pelting down and melting as they landed. I can't wait for snow to fall - it would make the cold bearable having a beautiful white blanket surrounding you.

Self explanatory?

That evening we tasted our freshly picked shrooms and spent the next couple of hours giggling and dancing under the stars, watching them twinkle and float into all sorts of shapes and sizes. We sat down to 'Dumbo', an old time favourite, our eyes glued to the screen as 'Pink Elephants on Parade' began. Watching the cartoon years later takes on a whole different perspective. All I could focus on were the pencilled lines of the characters, it's such a difference watching old-style cartoons when each movement was drawn out instead of being completely computer animated. The old Disney films have such a magic touch that no new one can capture - nostalgia filled the air and I finished the movie with a new life-goal, to adopt the sweet little elephant with the oversized ears.

giggles x

Hongos

Our country weekend rounded up with a food coma. We sat around the table with a Sunday Roast and lots of wine; Roast beef, Yorkshire pud, roast potatoes  roasted veggies and all the condiments. Food really brings people together - and is something I've noticed that family members always leave with you, as long as you've left the kids fed, the rest can sort itself out. We sat on the train back to London feeling nourished and revamped, with our countless bags that were stuffed as tightly as they could be onto the seat next to us. An hour and 45 minutes whizzed by, and we decided to end our holiday with a bit of Wasabi. (Low-budget Japanese food, HIGHLY recommended). We're lucky to be living together as we didn't have to face the depressing scene of unpacking alone and filling everyone in on how amazing your weekend was, and how upset you are to be back. We unpacked laughing about our time together and the moments that only we'd understand, and snuggled down to an episode of breaking bad before popping back down the rabbit hole and entering into a Sunday night dream.

Recipe of the day: Roast Beef

http://www.jamieoliver.com/recipes/beef-recipes/perfect-roast-beef

Stepping stones

Early autumn

After a tragic event has occurred the phrase 'moving on' is tossed around a lot, stepping onto the next stone despite how unpredictably wobbly it is -- but how long is that process supposed to take? What is the time bracket one's given before things start to get slightly easier? I've always found, with regards to the 'big black spots' (the darker events in your life that made a significant impact on your reality today), normality and growth only comes from acceptance, and acceptance is spurred on by talking about what happened. Something a friend said to me a few years ago that I'll always remember for its concise honesty - "everyone has shit going on, and everyone thinks their shit is the worst". And isn't that true? Of course relativism plays a role, and we only really have our lives to compare our 'shit' to - but in the grander scheme of things, we're probably a lot better off than many others.

Eva in the park - I love the innocence of kids

By getting out of your own head, where your mind has the power to turn the bat of a butterflies wing into a hurricane, you're able to 'move on' - in relation to the tragic experience I'm talking about, this means talking about my beloved uncle, his death and his life that many people seem to leave out. This applies to all tragedies, why hang onto the final few seconds of darkness, when the long and prosperous life that lead up to it serves for far more topics of conversation.

--
What I find fairly dangerous is that comforting feeling of dwelling in your own pool of grief, the 'poor-me' scenario that you need to pull yourself out of, especially when there are others more deeply affected than you - time to stop being selfish. It's actually comforting sharing the hurt with others.

I'm sitting on beanbags underneath my windowsill - it's beautiful today. I'm learning about London, I always had the impression that leading up to winter everything would become grey, wet and miserable. But the sun still shines! The temperature drops and the parks are no longer full of hundreds of people in their bikini's, having picnics or playing rounders and footie - but instead a more gentle approach to life begins, warm coats and flushed cheeks, babies wrapped up in blankets and the appreciation of a warm bed. Given, I am slightly afraid of turning into an ice-cube come Christmas but we'll deal with that when we get there. 

The phantom house

My routine's up and down now but my regular dabble in yoga maintains a level of stability amongst the chaos. Interestingly a lot of people I know are starting to find meditation, astro-projection and all those far-out concepts that don't get enough credit. I was standing at the train-station the other day thinking about that stability. Yoga to me, was essentially a pause - an escape from the buzz of reality to clear your head and get in touch with yourself free of distractions. Now I'm learning the importance of applying your escape to your reality. In meditation you're taught to just heighten your awareness, your senses - you hear what's around you, feel your surroundings, taste the presence and smell the now. But that should always happen - it's so easy to slip into your own zone when walking down the street, stuck in your thoughts rather than understanding what's happening everywhere at that moment. The lights of the train shone through the darkness and I looked up to see a white house peeping above the stone archway that framed the approaching train. The way the sun hit the white wall almost turned it into a phantom house - momentary awareness. 

I know it's cliché, but at least it's authentic?
Devon 2012

After having spoken to a lot of my friends, I've found lots of people doubt their ability to meditate or focus, so without sounding patronizing can I just say it's ok to find it difficult to hold that focus no matter how long you have done it for. When I close my eyes I first have to get over the 'thought barrier'. Under this invisible line are a million thoughts ramming into each other, 'breakfast this morning, booking flights, oyster cards, money, work, food' the list goes on. But above the buzz it's more of a clear white haze that doesn't require concentration
. 

Enough of the mystical - Saturday's beginning and I still have no sense of time. When you leave 'school-mode' and enter 'work-mode' weekends lose their meaning. A 14 hour shift on a Friday's one to dread, and a Monday's a walk in the park. Today's topsy turvy, and to get to the end you've just got to take the step and try not to get wet. 

Recipe of the day: Autumn cherry samosas (I was surprised when I saw this recipe too.. but so worth it)
http://www.fnfoods.co.uk/recipes/recipe-cherry-samosas.html

The smoke that blushed

Street art I found in East London

Yesterday i was walking through Camden and infront of me a bellow of blue and pink smoke was coming out of a huge industrial dark chimney. It was one of those tiny details amidst a normal routine that puts a smile on your face, I was just waiting for a suitable accompaniment of rainbows, fairies and candy canes to shower down upon the unsuspecting landscape. Below the dreamlike smoke were swarms of preoccupied individuals going about their daily lives with their heads down looking at their phones or buzzing in their own thought bubbles. 

Even though we all share the same environment, we are such seperate entities and our society only emphasizes the fact. We have our own entertainment to start, ipods, phones, books, newspapers. We're tuned into our own thoughts and feelings, and we rarely attempt to merge into the more communal world and really interact with/ feel what's going on around us. We have conversations and link in to one or two other people's fields of existence but we are primarily individuals. Yet what strikes me as odd, is in psychology, one of the sociocultural principles is 'humans feel a need to belong'; within this principle lies the idea that we rely on each other to survive, our whole community and society is built up of various blocks, from farmers to shopkeepers to businessmen, if one stage didn't exist, the rest of our pyramid would fall apart. It's so hard to switch everything off when sometimes it's just a force of habit, and it almost instills fear when you think of the idea of not being able to communicate with everyone in your life for one moment. It scares me when I start to panic after only a day of not checking my emails - but at the same time, in feeling 'connected' to everyone, it creates such a huge disconnect with your physical reality causing a whole percentage of our awareness, and sense of presence to fly out the window. 

East London again

It's funny, when we were younger in 'world studies' we went over the theory's that two great philosophers had about the true characteristics of human beings. Aristotle and Plato I think it was, were more positive about us, they truly believed humans were able to act for the benefit of others and not for self-gain. Whilst Hobbes on the other hand believed humans were completely selfish and every act was for self-gain even if it wasn't conciously done for that purpose. Lets look at a few examples: In helping someone carry their bags up the stairs, you gain satisfaction and content. In having a child, you set yourself up with what will become a physical, emotional and financial support system (that especially benefits you in your older years), in opening yourself up in a relationship 'for' the other person, you gain love, support and all that jazz. Hobbes commonly used the example of letting individuals loose in a sweet shop, or a bank, and taking away rules - what happens? We'd go crazy and grab everything we could, not stand around holding hands. A more recent and solid example is last year when the raids took place in London and the more primal side of the community was revealed, looting shops, stealing whatever there was to steal, getting violent, using weapons etc.

.. And again

When I first learnt about these philosophies, we were asked to give our opinion on whom we agreed with, I chose the more optimistic view. Thinking of humans as purely selfish and evil just didn't float my boat. But as I've grown up and my eyes have widened to the reality of the world, I do believe Hobbes was right, as pessimistic as the idea may be. Our main goal as mammals is to survive - but to do this it does involve helping, supporting and interacting with others, so though at its core our nature may not be full of rainbows and fairies, it does manifest positive outcomes.. but back to where I started.

Street art in Neasden

As I was watching the smoke drift over the conker trees, grey buildings, and billboards advertising the latest and most lustrous hair shampoo! I thought of a poem that made me smile, it was written by a great friend that sadly passed away last year - but her gift of writing should always be appreciated:

People don’t look up. 
They spend their lives absorbed in their feet,
in the pavements,
in the leaves and dirt,
in the rubbish discarded on the streets. 
This is what we seem to be fascinated by, 
only daring to lift our heads when someone points out how beautiful the sunset is, 
or a bird, or rarely, 
occasionally, 
something above their normal eyeline.
There could be entire goddamn cities on rooftops and no-one would notice. 

- Cameron Krokatsis 

I remember this poem when I lean over my windowsill and watch passers by. It reminds me to look up once in a while when I'm strolling through an empty street. The other day a little girl in a blue school uniform with dark red hair, was sitting by the window gazing out at the empty street with a melancholy stare. What was going on in her mind was a mystery to me but the image the mystery created was beautiful. 

Time to get out of my head and check what's next on my to-do-list, deep breath!


 Recipe of the day: Fairy Cakes

http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/fairycakes_93711

Hurt

They say you live and learn, but what if you're not interested in learning? What if the experience of that learning curve is too painful to conceptualize? I know I tend to rant about society, and the psychology behind big concepts like marriage or money. Concepts that I partly understand, being someone who comes from a broken family, and lives in a world where money is a driving force. But today, is purely a subjective account and questioning of pain in relationships.

If you haven't already guessed, yesterday, I experienced the heartbreak of being 'dumped' ouch that word rings tough. The symptoms include breathlessness, abdominal pain, non-stop waterworks and lack of sensation - everywhere. It's funny how fast it hits you as well, one minute I was having a conversation over skype and the next I was a mess on the floor. (I'll try and leave out the drama). There's a tribe in Papa New Guinea that doesn't have 'depression' as an illness, but instead, diseases with various symptoms in common, one of these including 'heartbreak'. If only the American pharmaceutical company could create a legal pill to heal that.
It's scientifically proven that females have a higher pain threshold than men (an evolutionary reason being to give birth) and this is because we have almost double the pain receptors on our skin. So do we take the blow harder than guys? If pain receptors extend to emotions the answer would be yes. Out of all the categories of 'pain', and while I may be biased at this particular point, I believe heartbreak tops the list. The sense of loss spins your world upside down. It goes from having that one person that means everything, that is such a large percentage of how you spend your time, what you think about, what your future plans are - to suddenly being forced to 'learn from your mistake' and 'move on'. That only happens with time by the way - no matter how much chocolate is eaten, soppy rom-com's are watched, or alcohol is poured into your system, the reality doesn't improve until your new daunting world, becomes normal. 

I think a large part of break-ups have to do with why they happened, whether you're to blame (or the booze). But the concept I'm struggling with, is that my 'ex' (that word stings to type) thrust the 'logical' explanation of why it would be easier to move on from one another now, than have to wait for 4 months of living together, falling completely in love, and experiencing a new side of life, before it all had to be over (universities on opposite sides of the world). Me being the idealist struggled with accepting his ability to make this decision, all I'd been imagining was the fun we'd have, a bitter end is inevitable in a lot of cases. But it's easier to focus on the positive - no one follows the dark spot at the end of the tunnel right? So while the last few weeks have been full of inner-turmoil, not knowing when we'll see each other, getting mentally prepped to make the big move of 'living together' I came to a concious decision 3 days ago, that I'd stop worrying, and enjoy the ride. My dream curdled in a matter of hours and I was left sitting at my laptop in an empty house on the other side of the world from friends and family - single.

I can hear my little cousins words ringing in my ears "you're a single pringle ready to mingle", but I've had months of that - As much as rebounding has it's benefits of losing all inhibitions and physically distracting yourself - let's be honest? Contracting an STD mid-break up doesn't make me want to scream and jump. I think the worst part about everything, is realizing that a relationship rarely involves two people that are on the same wavelength in terms of attachment. You can open yourself up much as possible (no sexual connotations) to someone and create the illusion or belief that they feel the same way, but when you're left in that weak powerless state - 'having the carpet' ripped from under you with no say in the matter, the self-hate kicks in.

It's interesting to see the reactions of friends in situations like this as well - while some throw mean comments and words of hate towards your 'ex', others tell you what your 'true potential' is that you apparently never saw before, and some send you things to read: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/valley-girl-brain/201105/how-want-get-over-breakup - a step by step list on 'how to get over a break-up' I cringed and sighed when I saw the title, but there are a few nuggets of wisdom that I took away from it, the shining line of the article being a quote by Lucille Ball: "Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself to get anything done in this world." So that's my goal! The rest will have to fall into place at some point. Living alone is taking it's toll, and where I'm going to live in the forseeable future is an alarming question mark, now that my fantasy plans have apparently fallen through - The girlfriend's already been replaced by the friend! Regarding room-mates..
An invisible weight is slowly being lowered onto me - my chest is feeling it first. At this point I can see different routes to take - some being less beneficial to my health than others, but I'd love to harness it into something productive. I'm hoping to anything that this new found sense of optimism will kick in so I can start believing in a new fantasy, meanwhile I'm burying myself in work and pretending it's all ok 'service with a smile!' It's comforting to know that so many people can relate to this feeling - and the feeling of it passing - I can't wait for the latter.

Indulge me in choosing the one pie that describes these emotions through its colours and flavours..try and avoid smirking ;)


 Recipe of the day: Heartbreak pie (raspberry and chocolate!)

http://www.tasteofhome.com/recipes/chocolate-raspberry-pie

Close your eyes - what can you see?

Fairy footprints

I sit in the loud silence of the evening. Some may recognize that saying as a paradox but it is no such thing. Having lived in tropical countries most of my life - I've been lulled to sleep by the spinning of fan blades, the buzz of mosquitoes (not the most pleasant sound) or the distant rush and beeps of cars. But here, isolated from civilization and surrounded by water that almost insulates us from sound waves - one can tune into the universal hum of silence. When I was younger I would put my ear to the pillow and hear the sound almost escalating. My imagination would go wild - I could see a whole world of tiny people, (similar to those in 'Horton hears a Who' by Doctor Seuss), the sound emanating from the minute golden foghorns that one could only faintly detect.

It's funny how the concept of imagination is generally associated with children. The idea that as we get older and more wrapped up in our physical worlds, our imagination loses priority. A large part of that does have to do with time. As kids we're free from the list of responsibilities that accompany adults. We have the time and space to roam, and our minds aren't subject to so much influence that's thrust upon us as we grow up. Newspapers, TV, just media in general, then there are books, events, people. Up until the age of about 12 I wouldn't watch the news out of fear. It was like watching a real life horror story, the confrontation with reality was too gory and brutal. But you get eased into it, the death of hundreds of people due to car bombs or warfare begins to seem more normal. Of course empathy remains but as I've said before, when you routinely see the same kind of things on the news, it brings with it a strong sense of normality.

Call me a flower child

When we lived in Sri Lanka during the last few years of the Civil War, I'd receive emails from friends in other countries asking if I was alive after a recent bombing - And that was normal. The news made it look so much more terrifying than the bubble us expats were living in; surrounded by constant parties, beaches and a lot of security guards. Actually there was one day that I remember quite clearly. We were 14- 15 years old, a group of friends and I. We'd bought tickets to a concert that had a few local well known expat bands that had won various music competitions - so you can imagine how excited we were. Everyone was wearing their 'Icarus' shirts and the buzz was getting bigger as the concert went on. 30 minutes into the show, the announcer comes up on stage with the microphone announcing "Hi everyone.. uhm.. there's currently an air raid occurring and the government's instructed for all lights and electricity to be switched off in Colombo to confuse the terrorists". Everyone nervously laughed at the 'joke' that he'd come up with to kick off the intermission. The lights all went out and I looked out the window in the Foyer.. I could see little bright lights shooting into the sky "Fireworks!" I was so excited - someone else screamed back "They're bullets!" Within seconds, thousands of teenagers in Icarus shirts were running into one another tapping furiously at their phones. The phone signal was totally gone and the doors had been padlocked by the guards to ensure none of us were hit outside the building. Everyone clustered together, the heat rose and sweat appeared on everyone's panic-stricken faces. "I love you if this is it", I heard that over and over again. It seemed so unreal, we heard about this on the News! We didn't experience this! It all turned out to be OK, the Tamil Tiger Planes were shot down by the Sinhalese army and the doors were eventually unlocked. Needless to say the concert did not go on, but our lives did.

Red poppy riding solo

Distinguish the grey horizon

So to link these slightly shocking stories to my main point. Imagination is almost 'lessened' because so much of what one would imagine via watching video or computer games, happens in real life so less is left for the imagination to conjure up. Some people do choose to spend their time indulging in their imaginations instead of falling victim to reality. Artists tune into their creative streams and focus them into more mature creations like sculptures, clothes, movies etc. But artists only make up a small percent of the population so what does that say about the rest of us? Imagine if the people that created our surroundings had wild imaginations like Dr. Seuss - our houses would be lop-sided and bright purple, Willy Wonker would have created chocolate rivers and bubble-gum trees, and Yayoi Kusama would have polka dots splattered all over the place.

Monopoly

Back on the road at last

Scone prep.

My brother and I discussed this on our walk today - to our left was the windy sea, due to the overcast, dismal day it reflected the grey sky; sea and sky blended together, separated by merely a line of dark grey horizon. To my right a royal contrast, golden fields of wheat blew in the breeze that created gentle waves of kernels at its surface.
Dad was walking slower to accompany my granny, and my brother and I walked on ahead. The discussion began with the effect video games have on the mind - his argument was there are far more pro's than cons and mine was vice versa. He claims that it aids his imagination, I asked "with violence?" And he began telling me of all the things he saw happening around him at that moment. I chimed in and added my usual whimsical fantasies of fairies and elves running between the straws of wheat. His fantasies always seem to resemble scenes from Lord of The Rings - a slight obsession to put it lightly.

Fresh scones baby!

All fantastical thought was paused as we ran into various forks in the path and had to zone back in while he figured out where we were going. The day dragged on, Smoked Haddock and salad for lunch followed by a big game of monopoly. Board games have to make an appearance on drizzly days. After my 12 year old brother had successfully made us all bankrupt with his ridiculous money-making tactics, I set about making fresh scones. I had the house to myself for a few hours as the others were off 'prawning' in the boat. I stood outside in the brightening sky and inhaled on a familiar friend.. The rest of the day has been slow and light. The scones were delicious with blackberries, clotted cream and jam (with tea of course) and the sausage pie for dinner filled us to the brim.
Time to close my eyes and switch on the imagination button for a few hours.


 Recipe of the day: Sausage pie (Any pastry can be used)
http://www.jusrol.co.uk/recipe.aspx?RecipeId=141